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We have a New Andrea.

The Original Andrea got a life and only wants to email me about hypothetical cold-press coffee dates and cramps. They grow up so fast.

Jen’s on vacation and that means two things:

1) I am crying less.

2) I (the intern) have (has) more work to do.

The reps are faxing in their Christmas orders because they want to remind me that this Summertime happiness I feel is fleeting.

It’s good to keep me grounded.

Oh, and here’s why my work environment is not safe:

One more trick added to our nearly packed act makes us four-trick ponies.

1) Design (obviously)

2) Letterpress (tons of it)

3) Creative (vague and non-committal)

4) Jell-O Shot Instructional Film Directors (why not?)

The Zeichen Press Headquarters were transformed into a satellite Jelly Shot Test Kitchen, complete with a tableful of alcohol and motivated (sober) women.

The prep was taken care of the night before the shoot.  So as usual, instead of putting the kids to bed, we were busy creating fancy Jell-O shots.

See how Jen garnishes? With the precision of a surgeon:

A surgeon who has to delicately place lime zest on a patient’s incision.

Our talent (that’s what they call the actor/actress in the biz) was most talented – and her nails were perfection. And despite kids, dogs, cats, water balloons, side-chatter, and the tableful of alcohol – Jen kept things running as smoothly as my Grandma’s kitchen.

Two done. One to go.

The customs official demanded we tell him our plans while in Toronto. I told him it was none of his business, and as I reached for the silver cigarette case in my coat pocket, I was wrestled to the ground. The tasers saved me a trip to the bathroom.

Thank God my husband speaks Canadian or we’d still be in the interrogation room.

I should have told that official that my plans were to watch t.v. in my bathroom mirror while soaking in the tub. I think that’s what I did? My head still hurts pretty bad from being banged on the terrazzo.

Like Dora the Explorer, I packed a map and a monkey in my backpack, finished my screwdriver, and headed out.

Using the handy Where To Buy page as a guide, I was able to track down three local stores that carry Zeichen Press goods. Needless to say, my reception was overwhelming – being hoisted up on shoulders and paraded down Queen Street was too much. Do you hear me, shopkeepers??

°°°

First shop: Outer Layer, a cheerful boutique. Full of fun and, dare I say, whimsy? No. I’ll never say that again.

But how else could I describe a doll that is also a cheese grater?

Or the Ann Taintor magnet collection on the antique bank safe?

Or a manager named Jett Black???

°°°

On to Shop #2: Valhalla Cards & Gifts:

This shop felt like everything in it was curated by a man named Chadwick. Wait, it was! From the Dumpling Dynasty Bunny Kit:

To the Unicorn Wishes action figure:

This shop wouldn’t let me leave – Chadwick finally had to throw me out. But not before he placed an order for more cards.

°°°

Okay, onto #3: The Paper Place:

Because paper is my bread & butter, I felt extra reverent crossing the threshold. As I knelt before the card rack, something inside me said, “hey! I wonder if this place has erasers shaped like peanuts.”

And it did! I bought the whole bowl.

I hugged the sock zebra before I left. It was time to go. I knew this because I saw the policeman walking through the door.

Until we meet again, Toronto. Until we meet again.

On the back of the Atari 2600 there was a difficulty switch. “A” was normal but “B” made dragons move impossibly fast

and shrunk trampolines.

Flipping the switch meant a game had been mastered. Mastered.

Those were simpler times.

I opened the door to the shop last night and was greeted by an avalanche of bicycles. Two of them had no kickstands and were tangled with the lawn mower. I would have moved the mower and bikes easily but I was blocked by a giant roll of bubble-wrap.

I wonder if the interns that emailed looking for work have any idea my days contain such physical obstacles.

I almost forgot why I even went into the shop… It wasn’t to get bruises and swear – was it? No! I needed to lay out some new Mother’s Day cards!

I had to set my type by candlelight because the lightbulb burned out over the big cabinet and I couldn’t replace it without using the ladder that was wedged between the weed-wacker and the card-carousel.

Sooo…

My brother took some old bicycle parts (they weren’t really old, just unguarded) and screwed them to an outhouse. He called this his ice-fishing house and wheeled it the five blocks to Lake Harriet every morning before school.

It probably wasn’t an outhouse and he probably wasn’t ice-fishing. But the important thing was the procedure: Wake up before the crack of dawn, drag, push, and pull the little house through the dark and cold, onto the frozen lake.

What a strange young man.

It has taken us years to fine-tune our order-processing procedure at Zeichen Press. It is now just like a beautifully choreographed ballet. Costumes are optional so Jen never wears hers. Anyway, we are testing out a new step in the procedure. I call it the Order Chute. 

Nothing says, “welcome to the neighborhood!” like a tricorne hat and a missing limb. According to REAL SIMPLE Magazine, this card:

is the perfect way to welcome the new kids to the block. I don’t care if they meant to use this card:

I’d rather live in a neighborhood full of limbless, historical reenactors.

Pat Carney stumbled into our dimension on Friday for the Gute photo shoot.

Edmund made latte after latte while Loretta babbled in the background. We think she was talking about Pam the kitten/her prisoner. Anyway, I had to punch Pat in the face to get one latte away from him for a prop. He took it like a man. Except for the tears.

I could tell Winter was over when my gutter broke and rain poured into the basement, soaking the carpet.  Thank goodness we love damp and smelly rooms or we’d be super mad. Another sign of Spring: I found Classic Pam (the kitten) under the tree in the backyard trying to act adorable. When will she realize that we only kept her because we felt sorry for her?

So sad.

These events inspired a new card. Perfect for a birthday?

Now that Mother’s Day is over (good riddance) – it’s time to write Mother’s Day cards. This is how the Greeting Card Calendar works. Don’t ask questions.

Here’s one for all of you silent-letter/mother-lovers:

New Zealand, as a nation, needs more Zeichen Press. Our distributor (they have a distributor??) demanded (ordered) we send thousands of cards to California so they could be shipped to New Zealand onboard the Good Ship Binburra.

The Binburra will probably be attacked by Somalian pirates because Liberian ships are always attacked by Somalian pirates. If this happens, we will donate our pallet of cards as ransom for the lives of the kidnapped crew. You are welcome, fictional future kidnapped crew.

Godspeed, Binburra. Godspeed.