Posts in Freaks

Business as usual

published by Fran Shea

Remember when you were three years old and and ran down a hill and lost control of your legs and ran straight into a wooden post that holds up the picnic pavilion?

No??

My forehead wanted to meet that 4×4 so bad and who am I to stand in the way of destiny?? I don’t pretend to understand the stars! Wait, I do! I do pretend to understand the stars!

While Jen is on the Cape, and between my sobs because I miss her so much, the Intern and I box up orders. 

But what about that head-injury?? Hush your sweet mouth and spend the next ten minutes wondering why I am so in tune with the cosmos.

Home again, Home again, Jiggety-Jog

published by Fran Shea

I sampled purgatory (again)… this time at Logan airport. I guess if I was jogging in place for five hours I’d like to be blasted with cold air from a ceiling vent. And if I wanted to watch a Surrealist film, I would have used my precious data and Boingo wifi to stream Volume I of the Anthology of Surreal Cinema on Netflix.

But like a group of shipwrecked strangers, bobbing in a life raft in the middle of the Atlantic, we were trapped together. Trapped and forced to watch a grown woman giving life to a humanoid using only her bare hands.

Anyway, flight 244 may have been delayed but it took off with little fanfare. Passengers boarded like zombies, sans bloody mouths.

I wish I would have thanked that needle-felting woman and I’ll probably never see again, but I’ll never forget her.

Here is a thank you card that has nothing to do with her or the travel odyssey.

 

 

Embrace Your Oddity

published by Fran Shea

I stopped going outside sometime in November because I’m waiting to try out my Earthing Sandals.

I am thinking (fingers crossed!) that April will be the lucky month. Maybe I can join my neighbor’s walking club… they use walking poles and I don’t want to look like a weirdo without them… I better order some today…

Oh, I have created a lil’ masterpiece for an insurance company in Florida.

A two-sided card that Jen will print and the Alltrust consultants will throw at CEO’s as they run out the door. It turns out that Floridians need to be insured for more than just sinkholes, gator-attacks, and flakka-induced cannibalism. Who knew??

All of the Walking Club Fantasies and Semaphore-Practicing, inspired two new cards. I tried to make a Valentine’s Day card and I might have succeeded. YOU TELL ME.

And this one is actually Based On A True Story.

Back to daydreaming…

Choking to Death (and other bedtime stories)

published by Fran Shea

Sure, talking about your gut health and fermented foods might make you the hit of a New Year’s Eve party, but try to remember it’s not about being popular… it’s about being healthy. HEALTHY.

Do I miss the days of eating and drinking whatever I wanted?? No, sir! Not when there are teenagers in the house who keep me from choking to death! Phew!

Thank the Lord I don’t ALSO have a tap-dancing sociopath in the house. That would make my new diet even more difficult and winning penmanship medals impossible.

Boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats

published by Fran Shea

Oh, wouldn’t I look smart in my new floral, lightly quilted, Guinnea Sax dress and ivory blouse! The thin silk ribbon under my collar tied so prettily… Real leather open-toe sandals with cuffed socks actually MATCH MY BLOUSE… Eleven years old and I just knew I already had the world by the shanks. THE SHANKS. 

First Picture Day at my new school was going to change everything! Sure, I spend nights in bed carefully drawing miniature Black Stallions in the margin of my diary. And sure, I rarely brushed my stick-straight blonde, center-parted, mom-cut hair. But I was pretty sure I looked like Sissy Spacek, circa 1973.sissy spacek smilingWith backpack securely fastened over both shoulders, I proudly marched through the alley-entrance onto the school playground/parking lot.

WHAT’S THIS?! The girls/my classmates are wearing Guess Jeans and white t-shirts!guess jeansMy heart sank.

And they burst out laughing at the very site of me!Fran 5th grade school pictureHOW COULD THEY?! THE AGONY! Thank God my call home from the nurses office only resulted in my mom coaxing me to stay at school long enough to have my picture taken, otherwise there wouldn’t be this evidence. THANK GOD.

~Dedicated to the cool kids~boots and cats choir…And someday I’d enact my telekinetic revenge… 

Post-Epiphany -OR- Crime Solving By Proxy

published by Fran Shea

January has already been SO busy. I don’t know about Jen, but I’ve had to take a really active role as a listener/watcher.

First this: (Sherlock!)

sherlock-pipe

And then this: (Serial Podcast: season 2!)

serial-soldier

And now THIS?? (Making A Murderer, brought to you by the good folks at Netflix and Men’s Wearhouse!)

steven-avery

It’s a lot to keep track of… I’m taking notes if anyone needs them.

Don’t ask me how (DON’T ASK ME), but I was able to squeeze in one card:

we-come-bearing-gifts-2

Same (expletive), Same Day

published by Fran Shea

As I said goodbye to yet another kitten from our cat ranch,all kittens and dinah white chairI thought to myself, “I bet this is exactly how Beyoncé feels when she drops an album.” And then I thought, “My skin is so dry.”

I wish I could travel back in time… back to the 1970’s when there were environmental chambers built into the walls of health club locker rooms… (I think this is a real memory and that I’m not just pasting a false memory on top of a traumatic childhood locker room incident… those topless moms blow-drying their hair… Wait, am I?? Omg… Beep beep boop: Tropical Rainforest?? Yes, please!)

NO MATTER, here’s a new card!NOW the party can start

WRAPPED IN BACON???

published by Fran Shea

Just imagine this:Fran school photo

in a Witch or Hobo costume, “Trick or Treat!”

I was never Wrapped in Bacon like these fancy L.A. kids… Our L.A. rep sent us this:kid wrapped in baconI’m assuming this little person was Trick-or-Treating… But I see no treat bag, nor do I see a 3-ring binder, NOR DO I SEE the latest issue of The Watchtower.

True story: Since I put my NO SOLICITORS card on the front door, I have had, exactly, zero solicitors. Buy yours today!NoSolicitors