Posts in Freaks

Embrace Your Oddity

published by Fran Shea

I stopped going outside sometime in November because I’m waiting to try out my Earthing Sandals.

I am thinking (fingers crossed!) that April will be the lucky month. Maybe I can join my neighbor’s walking club… they use walking poles and I don’t want to look like a weirdo without them… I better order some today…

Oh, I have created a lil’ masterpiece for an insurance company in Florida.

A two-sided card that Jen will print and the Alltrust consultants will throw at CEO’s as they run out the door. It turns out that Floridians need to be insured for more than just sinkholes, gator-attacks, and flakka-induced cannibalism. Who knew??

All of the Walking Club Fantasies and Semaphore-Practicing, inspired two new cards. I tried to make a Valentine’s Day card and I might have succeeded. YOU TELL ME.

And this one is actually Based On A True Story.

Back to daydreaming…

Choking to Death (and other bedtime stories)

published by Fran Shea

Sure, talking about your gut health and fermented foods might make you the hit of a New Year’s Eve party, but try to remember it’s not about being popular… it’s about being healthy. HEALTHY.

Do I miss the days of eating and drinking whatever I wanted?? No, sir! Not when there are teenagers in the house who keep me from choking to death! Phew!

Thank the Lord I don’t ALSO have a tap-dancing sociopath in the house. That would make my new diet even more difficult and winning penmanship medals impossible.

Boots and cats and boots and cats and boots and cats

published by Fran Shea

Oh, wouldn’t I look smart in my new floral, lightly quilted, Guinnea Sax dress and ivory blouse! The thin silk ribbon under my collar tied so prettily… Real leather open-toe sandals with cuffed socks actually MATCH MY BLOUSE… Eleven years old and I just knew I already had the world by the shanks. THE SHANKS. 

First Picture Day at my new school was going to change everything! Sure, I spend nights in bed carefully drawing miniature Black Stallions in the margin of my diary. And sure, I rarely brushed my stick-straight blonde, center-parted, mom-cut hair. But I was pretty sure I looked like Sissy Spacek, circa 1973.sissy spacek smilingWith backpack securely fastened over both shoulders, I proudly marched through the alley-entrance onto the school playground/parking lot.

WHAT’S THIS?! The girls/my classmates are wearing Guess Jeans and white t-shirts!guess jeansMy heart sank.

And they burst out laughing at the very site of me!Fran 5th grade school pictureHOW COULD THEY?! THE AGONY! Thank God my call home from the nurses office only resulted in my mom coaxing me to stay at school long enough to have my picture taken, otherwise there wouldn’t be this evidence. THANK GOD.

~Dedicated to the cool kids~boots and cats choir…And someday I’d enact my telekinetic revenge… 

Post-Epiphany -OR- Crime Solving By Proxy

published by Fran Shea

January has already been SO busy. I don’t know about Jen, but I’ve had to take a really active role as a listener/watcher.

First this: (Sherlock!)

sherlock-pipe

And then this: (Serial Podcast: season 2!)

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And now THIS?? (Making A Murderer, brought to you by the good folks at Netflix and Men’s Wearhouse!)

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It’s a lot to keep track of… I’m taking notes if anyone needs them.

Don’t ask me how (DON’T ASK ME), but I was able to squeeze in one card:

we-come-bearing-gifts-2

Same (expletive), Same Day

published by Fran Shea

As I said goodbye to yet another kitten from our cat ranch,all kittens and dinah white chairI thought to myself, “I bet this is exactly how Beyoncé feels when she drops an album.” And then I thought, “My skin is so dry.”

I wish I could travel back in time… back to the 1970’s when there were environmental chambers built into the walls of health club locker rooms… (I think this is a real memory and that I’m not just pasting a false memory on top of a traumatic childhood locker room incident… those topless moms blow-drying their hair… Wait, am I?? Omg… Beep beep boop: Tropical Rainforest?? Yes, please!)

NO MATTER, here’s a new card!NOW the party can start

WRAPPED IN BACON???

published by Fran Shea

Just imagine this:Fran school photo

in a Witch or Hobo costume, “Trick or Treat!”

I was never Wrapped in Bacon like these fancy L.A. kids… Our L.A. rep sent us this:kid wrapped in baconI’m assuming this little person was Trick-or-Treating… But I see no treat bag, nor do I see a 3-ring binder, NOR DO I SEE the latest issue of The Watchtower.

True story: Since I put my NO SOLICITORS card on the front door, I have had, exactly, zero solicitors. Buy yours today!NoSolicitors

Deja Vu

published by Fran Shea

We bought our house on the Cape in 1982…mom  1982 29 freezer road

this was the same year that The Go-Go’s penned their masterpiece.

Coincidence?? I THINK NOT.

Summers on the Cape were filled with so much adventure! There were trees to climb, sea-creatures to discover, rocks to paint (it’s complicated), and cans to return for 5¢ — imagine returning an ENTIRE BAG of cans. Your very own money to spend on candy at the Barnstable News. I dragged a garbage bag of empty cans up Millway, past the dead bodiescemetery sideto claim my prize. I did not anticipate this being such a great windfall… The Adult behind the counter counted all of my (mostly beer) cans (thanks Uncle Gary!) and the total staggered me.

“Two dollars and thirty-five cents.”

I gasped.

I walked past the wall of candy, right to the freezer full of ice cream treats. One box of six ice cream sandwiches, all for me. ALL FOR ME!!ice cream sandwichI was a girl on a mission: Eat all six, share with no one, and never breathe a word of this to any of my siblings. nat em zak fran andy 2815 west 28thI held the package to my (boyish) chest, and ran until I was sure I was alone. Across the street from the cemetery, and next to an abandoned house, I ripped open the box and started eating. 1…2…3… still going strong… 4… slowing down… 5… Five! Only FIVE! What a failure! 

I staggered home, and benevolently offered the final sandwich to my little brother. (What a fool he was for not even questioning my backstory!)

Present day: Southwest Airline’s Boeing 737: 40,000 feet.southwest airplane windowI made these:look at meTHANKTH