Posts in Drunk

Choking to Death (and other bedtime stories)

published by Fran Shea

Sure, talking about your gut health and fermented foods might make you the hit of a New Year’s Eve party, but try to remember it’s not about being popular… it’s about being healthy. HEALTHY.

Do I miss the days of eating and drinking whatever I wanted?? No, sir! Not when there are teenagers in the house who keep me from choking to death! Phew!

Thank the Lord I don’t ALSO have a tap-dancing sociopath in the house. That would make my new diet even more difficult and winning penmanship medals impossible.

Vultures and Wood Type and Birthdays

published by Fran Shea

I won’t even speak of the weather BECAUSE IT’S UNSPEAKABLE.

You can’t break me, Weather.

You’ll never break me.

Everyone knows that the only cure for the cold is wood type. And alcohol. western wood type case

Jen and I have been having a debate about the next birthday card. And by debate, I mean she is, like, “I don’t care.” Doesn’t she know the dangers of Not Caring??

ANYWAY, here’s the card. BTW, that’s a vulture, waiting for you to die.

look good for your age.new size

Treading Water

published by Fran Shea

In the Spring of 1990, I packed up a carton of cigarettes, a skillet, 4 forks, a sketch pad, and some Mexican jumping beans. Graduating high school means moving into a dormitory on the campus of the college of your dreams. OR moving into an apartment above a pizza place.

EITHER WAY, this card seems appropriate:and good riddanceSPEAKING OF APPROPRIATE, is gluten-intolerance funny?gluten free

Rage-Filled Kitten Eats Dead Master’s Face

published by Fran Shea

Is that a true story??even-birthdays-filled-her-with-rageThey wouldn’t print it if it wasn’t true.

Sally Struthers says that for about four dollars, you can buy a Starbucks Caffé Latte Venti… In the Zeichen Press Shop, for just four dollars a day, you can bring laughter to someone who may or may not have been laughing. 

The choice is yours.

NOW, visit the shop to see our new release for Spring! You can buy the rage-filled kitten, the generous old woman,

nobody-else-got-me-one-of-these

my kind of tea party,

I take my tea in a wine glass filled with wine. Letterpress printed on recycled paper. Comes with coordinating envelope and packaged in cellophane sleeve.

and so much more!

With An Awl And Some Brandy

published by Fran Shea

I heard a story about a Minnesota fur trader. 

Tromping through the snow in seasonably cold weather, sans Northface winter gear and, more importantly, SANS Smartwool socks — he found his feet to be frozen solid. Frozen like a forgotten chuck roast buried under the pile of pizzas and popsicles.

What did he do?

Simply dragged his body through the snow until warmish accommodations were reached, asked the hardy men in the room for an awl, punctured his feet, and had those same hardy men pour brandy over his numb tootsies.

There. Feet saved.

I didn’t write a card about that. (I’m sure I will.) Here’s something more lighthearted:when-i-grow-up curling-team

Please Like This

published by Fran Shea

It’s time to free ourselves from the shackles of this social networking monster.

We are ignorant prisoners, dragging our metal cups across the bars while our warden stuffs his fat face with naturally-cased wieners.

We are school children, wandering like Wii avatars, waiting for the bell to ring only to be called in to diagram sentences.wii avatars

We are the Israelites crushed by our taskmasters, waiting for the supernatural smiting of the Egyptians.

Rise up, people. Stop rowing the slave ship. The candy tasted so good before we got in the van, but now we must be deprogrammed. Make no mistake about it — this is some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. Oh, the candy… so sweet, so forbidden, so Turkish-Delighty.

Damn you, Facebook!

I’ve flushed my precious time down the toilet. Time I’ll never get back. Just like the year I got hooked on Party of Five – those orphaned Salingers led by their gorgeous brother/carpenter, Matthew Fox…

Oh, but it’s done now. No point in looking back. Friend requests, status updates, profile pictures — word combinations unwittingly added to the English lexicon!

I’ve got a word for you: insidious.

Never has there been such a tool, such a divisive tool. It wears a party hat and mixes the strongest drinks, watching the party-goers behave like jackasses. Why?

Ask son-of-a-dentist/billionaire, Mark Zuckerberg. Mr. Zuckerberg was unavailable for comment during the writing of this, and it’s no wonder. He’s in Palo Alto, counting his drug money. I’m booking a flight to Palo Alto and am either going to personally punch him in the face or flatter him until he hires me as his “personal secretary.” The second scenario is obviously more lucrative. The point is, I will no longer be in this creepy symbiotic relationship.

I will be free. (cue the MLK footage)wasnt affirmed on facebook

Left, Left, Lefty, Right-o Left, Right

published by Fran Shea

That’s the sound that March makes — that and a muffled sobbing. February triggers cabin fever but March in Minnesota is far more dangerous.

Here’s a story about March: One Christmas, Santa put a baby albino rabbit under the tree — so delightful! 

The little rabbit grew into a big rabbit and by the next Winter, our basement smelled like the bunny barn at the State Fair. With scraps of wood and a bale of hay, I built an outdoor rabbit hutch.

In a pinch, it could serve as a coffin for an adult man.

IN A PINCH.

By March it was buried under several feet of snow and I’d order my eldest to go spend time with the rabbit in the snow coffin.

The moral of the story is: Get a dog.

And something about March creating crazy. Thank God I have an outlet for my March crazy:water-vodka-2

World Domination Is Safe And Easy

published by Fran Shea

And it can be done from the comfort of your own home!

If you’re like me (don’t worry, you’re not) you don’t like to “leave” your house or “go” anywhere.

Don’t worry!

World Domination will be yours as long as you have these three things:

1) Wi-Fi

2) Computer

3) Forever Lazy Suit

forever-lazy

We just picked up a new rep for the Virginia and West Virginia territories (that’s right, TERRITORIES. Like a gang.)

We are excited to welcome him aboard!

And we hope we don’t scare him away with our love for Franimals and wine.recipe-called-for-one-glass-of-wine

HIGH FIVE!

published by Fran Shea

In the belly of the Good Ship Whistlesnot sat two strangers — one called Captain Fatchtinkle and the other, Timtim Lipskin.

They chatted like two gentlemen between rounds of whiskey-pong and Password and it wasn’t long before discovering they shared a passion for shuffleboard.

A friendship was born!

(To be continued…)high-fivers-better-more-face