Posts in Creatives
~ George Orwell
AND it’s Franmas! Oh, ANNND it’s also a little thing called Easter, or whatever.
I seem to be full of tiny revolutions, wait… how can a joke be a tiny revolution?? Are wet-markets full of bat-soup or Chinese bio-weapons funny?? Is my Mom’s “End the shutdown!” name-tag funny?? NO. But you know what is funny??
THERE, I SAID IT.I read the book ‘1984’ actually in 1984.
George Orwell wrote about dystopian fictional government overreach and totalitarianism. Oh, George! You’re so Orwellian!
And here’s my joke:
And here’s ANOTHER joke:
HAHAHA!! Right?? *An emoji would be perfect here.
And this might take your mind off the pandemic for 2 seconds.
And because I’m a giver, here are 2 more seconds:
Something happened last weekend
*Hint: She consented.
The festivities inspired so many things! One of them was this card:
Now I’m busy watching Leaving Neverland because I need to balance all of the goodness of last weekend with something creepy! (Thanks pop-culture!)
Remember that Winter when I dipped my ice-cold hands in 25¢ Tom Thumb coffee? WELL, I DO BECAUSE MY ICE-PICK LOBOTOMY DIDN’T WIPE OUT ALL OF MY MEMORIES/WHY DIDN’T I JUST HAVE THE ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY LIKE THE DOCTOR SUGGESTED?? #regrets
I won’t dip my hands in 25¢ coffee (OR WILL I???) because I need dry hands for clickity-clacking away at my keyboard. I tried googling “craftsman bungalow second-floor remodel” and realized I need more expert advice. Sorry, Google.
AND just because I love a challenge, and because I love WWII-era technology, AND because I believe pencils should express their pithiness via hot foil, I tested my fire-extinguisher and will try my hand at this: (I @#!$-ing <3 Zeichen Press.)
Whenever Jen goes out of town, Millie prays
that I can hold the Zeichen Press fort down… Or maybe she’s praying for a bath? Or better kibble?? WE’LL NEVER KNOW. Between weighing packages – packaged by the Intern,
and photographing old cards reprinted with poppin’ fresh ink,
I scour antique newspapers for graphics drawn by long-dead art directors
so I can REPURPOSE them into greeting cards that will be (fingers crossed!) added to the line.
(SAFE TRAVELS, JEN/DON’T GET EATEN BY A SHARK.)
My Mom speed-walks up to the library with her tote bag to solve whatever needs solving. She uses their Xerox machine to copy important pages of uncheckoutable periodicals and checks out the books that are checkoutable. When she is done, she scampers home to (speed) read those books and take notes on a fresh pack of 3″ x 5″ (lined) index cards. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I also feel compelled to solve whatever needs solving but I prefer never leaving my laptop (or house) and using Google to search the World Wide Web. Just this week, I needed to get to the bottom of the origin of our Stone Table.
I opened the drawer and took this photo of the (seedy) underbelly:
APPARENTLY Barnhart Bros. & Spindler operated out of Chicago from 1883 – 1911, BEFORE THAT they were called the Great Western Type Foundry AND THEN they became American Type Founders.
I also learned that ye olde printers used the smooth and clean side of the slab of granite for their own personal gravestone – I can’t wait to share this info with Jen! My brother will be so happy, he hates waste and loves recycling.
After I finished my important research, and because the Intern gave me a huge stack of Tribunes from 1938 to steal graphics from, I wrote and designed a card.
Facebook is so good at reminding me of important dates, LEST I FORGET. Normally I’d chisel a statue to honor a significant event, but I settled on creating a letterpress greeting card and ALLOWING the Intern and Jen to print it.
It will be added to our much anticipated Spring Release. And I’m sure if Prince were still on Planet Earth, he’d whisper a thank you and dance away in his tiny high heels.
How could my mom have known when I was born I’d spend so much time trying to get Martha Stewart‘s attention?
And so little time in the space program?? Silly mom! Didn’t she know that Martha’s career as a stockbroker was about to be traded for a career in the catering business? And that I would hate wearing helmets??
I do challenge Martha to prepare a fennel and smoked salmon salad in zero-gravity while I set my lead type to create a greeting card for the disadvantaged masses.
HOW ABOUT IT, MARTHA??
I wish I had a vintage Christmas tree stand that rotated and played music.
JUST KIDDING! I do! That music-box music fills me with Peace n’ Joy so I don’t freak out on Sears Customer Service for not hauling away my old appliances. JUST KIDDING! I still freaked out on them!
(24) YEARS ago (and a couple weeks before Christmas) my friend asked me how much I loved ornaments for the tree. I told her that I DIDN’T love ornaments for the tree. I just liked strings of lights. And MAYBE those glass balls.
She tried to talk me into loving them, but I insisted that I did not. Fast forward to Christmas Day, and under my nearly-naked tree, she had placed a giant box filled with ornaments that she had lovingly gathered over the year. Let me repeat that last part: THAT SHE HAD LOVINGLY GATHERED OVER THE YEAR.
Am I the worst friend ever? MAYBE. One more thing: I also forgot her birthday a couple years later. WHY IS SHE STILL FRIENDS WITH ME??
Shhh… Forget that story and observe Tib hating Dinah for sitting in her chair:
ALSO, here’s a Christmas card I made after I was done yelling at Sears:
I spend my days and nights writing and designing… Feverish and barely stopping to eat, I create.
If only I had my own Antonio Salieri. IF ONLY. I wrote a Christmas card. Or whatever.
Between stalking housepets
and watching scandalous/made-for-Netflix adaptations of Margaret Atwood novels,
I’ve been working on THE PERFECT thank you card to stuff in our online orders. Jen and the Intern keep rejecting everything I make and that’s really hard on my fragile ego.