Posts in True Story

The Tell-Tale Teacher

published by Fran Shea

I was listening to a podcast…

Don’t judge me. I SAID DON’T JUDGE ME. The book of Genesis is chock full of names I can’t pronounce, BUT I can pronounce Jacob and Esau and that reminded me of a teacher we had at Incarnation when I was 9 years old named MR. JACOB ESAU. He was our science teacher (was he, though?? He had an apple-cider jug full of apple-cider that had a baseball-sized mold glob floating in it and was obsessed with Edgar Allen Poe.) To get into the character of Science Teacher he would recite The Tell-Tale Heart.

Soooo…

I thought about that and then I made this:

PS: POST-EVERYTHING

published by Fran Shea

Yeah, Thanksgiving was yummy, Christmas was great, New Year’s was chock-full of memories (was it?? I DON’T REMEMBER.) I DO know that Winnie was TERRIFIED of the Christmas present I got her.

And I gave Lucy a whimsical tea-set!

See?? WHIMSICAL.

Is that a pterodactyl? A robot? BIGFOOT??? 

I plan on terrifying Winnie every Christmas and getting Lucy the real Sasquatch next year… Shh! It’ll be a surprise! IF I’m still alive next Christmas! (FINGERS CROSSED!)

JUST KEEP MARCHING!

published by Fran Shea

On the Cape, before we got our mail from the Post Office we would dig our grubby fingers in the change return box from the line of pay phones hoping to find a forgotten dime to spend on penny candy. (I swear I’m not 90 years old.)

Things are so much easier now because of our smart phones! RIGHT?? (Insert cry-face here.)

Speaking of pay phones, my son-in-law finished that balcony just in time!

But wait! in a few days:

See how magical?? I finally have a place to march!

And SPEAKING OF MARCHING?.. The Intern ™  brought me some Easy Reading:I think she was hoping I’d scour the magazine for vintage content to inspire new cards.

But first I have A LOT of stories by Miss Phyllis Moore Gallagher to catch up on (like, 80 years worth).

Oh, ALSO, I got an email from the art licensor… They want to turn some of the “card art” I sent them into post-it notes!

And here is a design I made inspired by the 2020 election. DON’T TELL ANYONE.

Did you hear me??? I said, MAZEL TOV, BITCHES!!!

published by Fran Shea

Remember when you were voted three different things by your senior class??And you daren’t show your Mom because that would shatter the illusion that you had so carefully constructed?? Just kidding, I had no parent fooled. PS: I didn’t even buy that yearbook because I was too busy partying. SORRY?? (PPS: NOT sorry.)

Now onto popular culture!: I didn’t even know that ACB was a Zeichen Press fan!

Oh, and just because everyone loves cute babies holding late nineties ephemera, here’s a photo of Winnie holding Po. Ignore that creature at our backdoor. 

Little Red Wagon, ETC.

published by Fran Shea

In the 1970s my Mom used to drag us in our little red wagon to the library.

Up Vincent Avenue where I would later trudge to school and never had Mountain Dew poured on my head by Eric Swanson and Tom Remier after they ALLEGEDLY smashed my diorama to smithereens.

But NOW there’s no reason to have your Mom drag you up to the library in your little red wagon BECAUSE you can just LISTEN to Audiobooks on an app!

WHAT A RELIEF/BORE!

Gradually and then suddenly, or whatever

published by Fran Shea

Remember when your little sister was born so your parents sent you (and your impossibly short shorts) and your little brother to stay with your Aunt Patricia on the Cape?? REMEMBER THAT??

Oh… THAT WAS MY OWN PERSONAL MEMORY.

I think Ernest Hemingway said something about going bankrupt gradually and then suddenly – isn’t that the way with so many things?? First you are just a sister and the next thing you know, you’re on an airplane telling an old woman that you will for sure write to her but then feel guilty about talking to a stranger and crumple up her address and throw it in the Boston airport trash can.

Speaking of old women (wait, what?), here’s a Valentine. (Wait, what?)

“Every joke is a tiny revolution.”

published by Fran Shea

~ George Orwell

AND it’s Franmas! Oh, ANNND it’s also a little thing called Easter, or whatever. 

I seem to be full of tiny revolutions, wait… how can a joke be a tiny revolution?? Are wet-markets full of bat-soup or Chinese bio-weapons funny?? Is my Mom’s “End the shutdown!” name-tag funny?? NO. But you know what is funny??

Joe Exotic.

THERE, I SAID IT.I read the book ‘1984’ actually in 1984.

George Orwell wrote about dystopian fictional government overreach and totalitarianism. Oh, George! You’re so Orwellian!

And here’s my joke:

And here’s ANOTHER joke:

HAHAHA!! Right?? *An emoji would be perfect here.

And this might take your mind off the pandemic for 2 seconds.

And because I’m a giver, here are 2 more seconds:

Inspiration!

published by Fran Shea

The kids (NOT ME, NEVER ME) had a silver Mazda station wagon that my older sister would drive with her leg-braced-leg sticking out of the rolled-down window. Safety-schmafety! And because we lived in the lap of luxury, the Mazda had a tape-player (but no power-steering or air-conditioning BECAUSE WE WEREN’T SPOILED BRATS AND THOSE FEATURES WERE FOR WIMPS) and when my older brother wasn’t listening to RUSH, I guess he would listen to the 10,000 Maniacs?? Maybe I borrowed this tape from him when I was in 8th grade. And maybe I spent the summer sprawled out on a beach towel, drenched by the generous sprinkler, and listened to it on my waterproof Walkman.

The next tape (vinyl records were for old people) that the 10,000 Maniacs released was one that still sticks in my craw: Blind Man’s Zoo. That album inspires so many things.

 Oh, here’s another card but this was inspired by my mirror:

2020 is Already Amazing

published by Fran Shea

The New Year’s water broke and after 24 hours of back-labor, vaginal-tearing, and a hemorrhage, a baby named Winefride Irene Statz blessed us with her presence. (Oh, my daughter had a baby.)

And because I am always vain, here is photo of ME holding her. IGNORE MY BRA STRAP.

After that holding-session and never one to SHIRK MY DUTIES, I made some cards: (Is January almost over??)