Out Like An Impolite Lamb - New Cards

Just when I thought it was safe to burn my foot-shaped Smartwool socks, Spring decided to retreat.At least I have feet.

Am I right?? Although, I’d be grateful for stump-shaped Smartwool socks.

I WOULD.

Here’s a card:Oh, and Jen and I chose the cards for The Spring Release!

Is Spring really here?

Not sure…

Let’s pretend it is. Let’s let me live in a world filled with hope! My obsessive weather-tracking (hourly checking my weather app) has proven to be successful.

It won’t be long before smartwool socks are shed and (my) legs are shorn.

Stay tuned…

Here are a couple cards I made instead of penning a suicide note.

(Graduation)(Encouragement)

As I said goodbye to yet another kitten from our cat ranch,I thought to myself, “I bet this is exactly how Beyoncé feels when she drops an album.” And then I thought, “My skin is so dry.”

I wish I could travel back in time… back to the 1970’s when there were environmental chambers built into the walls of health club locker rooms… (I think this is a real memory and that I’m not just pasting a false memory on top of a traumatic childhood locker room incident… those topless moms blow-drying their hair… Wait, am I?? Omg… Beep beep boop: Tropical Rainforest?? Yes, please!)

NO MATTER, here’s a new card!

Some things are predictable – and thank goodness! It’s important to have things to count on… runny noses in February, militant-radical beheadings, and birthdays.The kittens just stole the strand of toilet paper that I was using to wipe my runny nose… ISIS militants cover their faces in black balaclavas… and I write birthday cards.

OH, LIFE.

My grandpa’s battleship was bombed and he had to tread water for 13 hours WHILE he kept his unconscious buddy afloat. That was just like the time in 2009 that I swam out to meet the seal.

SPEAKING OF TREADING WATER.

It’s mid-February in Minnesota.

OR to use a term I (maybe) coined:

Wintermission!

I’ve been enjoying hour after hour of On Hold Musicand eating all of the Holiday Cookies.

Oh, AND setting up a GoFundMe for Tib The Cat. (Donate today to be eligible for one free kitten. Please. I beg of you.)—

AND HERE’S A BREAK-UP CARD. I’m a giver.

Thanks to buzzfeed quizzes, examining my conscience is so much easier. And shouldn’t we all ask ourselves those tough questions this time of year? “If I were a pizza, what kind would I be?” Or, “Do I prefer Miley Cyrus from her Hanna Montana days or on a Wrecking Ball?” 

But what is a life if it’s not examined? Not picked apart? Not squeezed like an engorged tick in a ziplock baggie?

I make cards between all of this productive introspection. Sometimes fictional creatures are harmed. Sometimes, they are spared.Merry Christmas Eve-Eve!

My agent wants a second book, he assures me that he’ll sell this one. He better, because I bought a $95 rug from Target. We’re not all fancy New Yorkers, Peter. WE’RE NOT.

So, it looks like this Winter will look just like last Winter… Except, I had the kids drag the trunk down from the attic for a coffee table.Oh, the cats? Never mind those. This place is crawling with them.Fine, here’s this year’s Christmas tree.

Last night, I dreamt I took a day trip to Manitoba. Just an afternoon of pool-swimming at an area motel. I came home and bragged to everyone, “I went to Manitohhhba today.”Two observations:

1) No wall-less public toilet in this dream?? That’s right. Who’s in charge now, Dreams??

2) My dreams have finally taken me to Canada…

AND ANOTHER THING: Winter came completely out of nowhere this year. One week it was 71°, and the next week, I had to break out the Smartwool. “Oh, Minnesota! You are so crazy! Potholes and mosquitoes and icehouses!”

Shut up.

And maybe a pregnant cat.

Don’t say anything. JUST DON’T. Tib might have snuck out the window like some sort of wild teenager. We’ll know as soon as we catch her in the kitchen with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

In other (less controversial) news from the Zeichen Press Headquarters: The new cards are all printed and in the shop! Wanna see?