Franmas 2016! - Letterpress

After coughing the web of mucus from my throat, it was time to choose paper and envelope colors for the Spring Release.Dinah told me later that she was plotting my murder while I took this photo.

Oh, Dinah! What will make you snap?!

Wait, tell us more about the web of mucus!

No! No more. Onto more important things.

Like frogs im Deutschland.Who needs pants when you have legs like that? Amiright??

Like a chicken, I am cooped up in my house… Day after day after day, longing to be free-range. I busy myself with cat photographyand new designs for RSVP. Which will be chosen for Valentine’s Day 2017?? Stay tuned…

Nothing could come between a girl and her Etch A Sketch in 1981.NOTHING.

Just look at that tight-lipped concentration… LOOK AT IT.Maybe I was creating a message for my mom? Or a beautiful design? Or a note to my brother begging him to stop slowly poisoning my parakeet and calling me Oot Head.

WHO KNOWS?

My Etch A Sketch has been replaced with 10,000 pounds of letterpress equipment, a laptop, and Jen. (Sorry, Jen.)

Here’s a new Valentine’s Day card… Lead type and an antique cut can barely compare to the magic of my childhood.

Oh, wouldn’t I look smart in my new floral, lightly quilted, Guinnea Sax dress and ivory blouse! The thin silk ribbon under my collar tied so prettily… Real leather open-toe sandals with cuffed socks actually MATCH MY BLOUSE… Eleven years old and I just knew I already had the world by the shanks. THE SHANKS. 

First Picture Day at my new school was going to change everything! Sure, I spend nights in bed carefully drawing miniature Black Stallions in the margin of my diary. And sure, I rarely brushed my stick-straight blonde, center-parted, mom-cut hair. But I was pretty sure I looked like Sissy Spacek, circa 1973.With backpack securely fastened over both shoulders, I proudly marched through the alley-entrance onto the school playground/parking lot.

WHAT’S THIS?! The girls/my classmates are wearing Guess Jeans and white t-shirts!My heart sank.

And they burst out laughing at the very site of me!HOW COULD THEY?! THE AGONY! Thank God my call home from the nurses office only resulted in my mom coaxing me to stay at school long enough to have my picture taken, otherwise there wouldn’t be this evidence. THANK GOD.

~Dedicated to the cool kids~…And someday I’d enact my telekinetic revenge… 

January has already been SO busy. I don’t know about Jen, but I’ve had to take a really active role as a listener/watcher.

First this: (Sherlock!)

And then this: (Serial Podcast: season 2!)

And now THIS?? (Making A Murderer, brought to you by the good folks at Netflix and Men’s Wearhouse!)

It’s a lot to keep track of… I’m taking notes if anyone needs them.

Don’t ask me how (DON’T ASK ME), but I was able to squeeze in one card:

I’m pretty sure it was our Jewish neighbor (and not Santa Claus) who put our presents under the tree when we were at Midnight Mass.

I got a globe.But I barely remember that! I barely remember crying and sulking in my bedroom! Because this was the Lord’s day, not mine!

Merry Christmastime, everyone!

**An Open Letter to Alexis Stewart:

Dear Alexis Stewart,

If you want to be friends with me, just ask. You don’t need to buy all of your Christmas and birthday AND Mother’s Day cards from me.

Friends Forever,

Fran

—

Whew! I’m glad I got that out of the way! Thanks to Mail Chimp, our email-blast campaign was full of success.

Wanna know what Mother’s Day card Martha Stewart is getting in 2016???

I’LL NEVER TELL!!!

I’m not sure if he was gently curb-stomped, or he bit into a fresh apple. Either way, he lost his front teeth.

Did I even see Jen on her birthday last week??

Hmm, I don’t think so… But I still made her a card because my love for her just bubbles over and soils the stovetop with a sort of gravy that becomes crusty and has to be scraped off months later with steel wool and maybe a knife.

Whew!

That’s a lot of love!GET IT?!?! CAT-SUP???

Omg, it just doesn’t stop over here!

LAUGHING THROUGH OUR TEARSWE HAVE NEW CARDS!

TWELVE OF THEM!

Meat suits,

tuna-filled mice,

hungry wolves.

AND SO MUCH MORE!

Have a look!