Blog - Tortured Soul

MTV only played three videos in 1991 and I watched them over and over again because Spike the Cat blocked the very small infrared light detector on the cable box with his tail so the remote control was useless. 

Why didn’t I just get up and move the cat or change the channel the old-fashioned-way?? SHHHHH.

I guess one of those three videos inspired a Christmas card?

My mom told me that my classmates only teased me because they were jealous.

Who could blame them?? LOOK AT ME. That’s a REAL Guinnea Sax dress and ivory blouse.

Speaking of jealousy…

Millie got a new dog bed and we overheard her begging Tib to move over but Tib completely ignored her. We told Millie not to worry because Tib is just jealous of her because she doesn’t have a uterus and Millie does. TAKE THAT, TIB. 

Never one to miss subtle innuendo, I observed the falling snow while Jen feverishly printed and concluded that it is almost time for the No Coast Show!Or almost time for Millie’s seasonal grooming. We spoil her!

Before Zeichen Press (BZP) took over my life, I homeschooled my three children and when the snow fell I amused myself by forcing them to complete arbitrary projects.

But now that they are older I am forced to amuse myself by creating greeting cards. Oh, the humanity…

The other day my uncle posted a photo on Facebook of my great grandpa and, once again, I was forced to amuse myself. But this time via photoshop.  

Is that your eldest on the right?? YES. Fingers crossed he doesn’t meet the same demise! (Death-by-train-while-walking-on-the-tracks.)

Oh, and if you follow Instagram AT ALL, you would know that Magers & Quinn and Zeichen Press are having a love-fest.

See you at the Midtown Global Market December 7th or 8th! (OR BOTH, YOU HARDCORE CRAFT CONNOISSEUR.)

List of things Millie has peed in or on:

• – Shoes
• – Coats
• – Rugs
• – The bathroom floor
• – Towels left on the bathroom floor
• – Backpacks
• – Dirty laundry
• – Clean laundry
• – Stack of paper for a Room & Board project

Oh, yeah! Jen’s shoes! Silly Jen, doesn’t she know that is one of Millie’s 9 favorite places to empty her bladder??

Millie told me later that she does this to remind humans about overcoming adversity… It actually makes sense because she’s been totally into Brené Brown lately!

Why were Jen’s shoes off anyway?? BECAUSE she prints a sample of a new card, marches from the shop to the house, takes her shoes off by the back door so we can pick the perfect envelope and paper color, THEN slips her shoes back on so she can march back out to print. BUT while we were busy picking the perfect envelope and paper color, Millie was busy filling Jen’s Dansko clogs with a liquid surprise… Oh, Millie! One card down, only 17 more to go!

DAMN, that’s a lot of pinkish ink on the press… Don’t worry, we expressed our gratitude for Millie via organic beef treats (SHE DIDN’T SHARE.) Oh, and Jen prints barefoot now.

Here’s a teaser:

We sat on the rug every day while Ms. Stringer read a story to our second grade class — I felt jealous of the girls that planted themselves behind other girls so they could “play” with their hair. Why don’t they ever play with my hair? Sigh… Oh, well… Hey, WAIT!! Someone IS playing with my hair today!! Okay… Don’t move or they might stop… Just listen to the story… This feels pretty nice!… Okay, story is over… Turn around and see which girl it was… ACT NATURAL… Waaaait, that is NOT a girl!!! That’s an icky boy!!! I casually walked back to my desk and felt my hair… Maybe he DID braid it?? It does feel kinda funny… Um, no. NOT braids. HE TIED IT IN KNOTS. KNOTS. 

I don’t know why that memory pulled this Mother’s Day card out of me. PULLED IT OUT OF ME JUST LIKE I PULLED THE KNOTTED HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD AND SECRETLY SHOVED IT IN MY DESK.

#oldestintern handed me a stack of vintage magazines so I could learn about wayward teens and lusty/adulterous wives!

She’s a bad influence. Oh, AND I think she wanted me to scan some of the graphics for Zeichen Press cards.  

…Back to my reading. I mean, scanning.

Do you diffuse internal drama, anticipate stress, and manage your primitive mind?? I do! I hate to brag (do I??) but I’m kind of a Zen-Master and when something unplanned happens, I just meditate! It’s so easy!

Leaving the Cape was a cinch this year because a dozen turkeys high-fived us on our way out

and a Random Baby sent me well-wishes telepathically. Or he might have been trying to hypnotize me – nice try, Harold! (If that is your real name.)

There were no coats to push aside, no snow, no Mr. Tumnus, no White Witch… Just a regular bedroom door, a heated terrazzo floor, twin sinks, and His and Hers glass cups ready for dentures. My Grandparent’s bedroom was entered by Invitation Only and was filled with so many curiosities… I remember asking my Grandma if she loved raspberries as much as I did and she told me she couldn’t eat them because the tiny seeds got stuck in her dentures… I felt like that was the saddest thing I had ever heard and that she was truly a martyr.

Here she is with all her own teeth:

It’s a good thing my Grandpa had his pens with him because you just never know.

The old newspapers the Intern gave me are a treasure-trove of graphics

and full of hard-hitting local stories…

Whaaat?? Mr. Therien never used his sick leave??

Jen went above and beyond her usual role (Queen of Letterpress) when she took my protagonist/muse to the vet for a wounded paw. We knew it was bad when it looked like Mickey Mouse’s gloved hand (hand?). (AND NOT A MINUTE SOONER.) 

Here is Tib at the Uptown Vet… See how she gingerly lifts her damaged digits?

I WANT TO POST A CLOSE-UP SO BAD. Just imagine pus oozing out of a furless area between her toe phalanges. But why was it furless?? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

While Jen was busy watching vet techs handle My Very Own Tasmanian Devil with (LITERALLY) Hawk Gloves,

I was busy making a Mother’s Day card. This company is obviously 50/50.

No Spring this year, but I don’t even care because there are usually too many weeks (wasted) between moving cars so the snowplow can plow

and installing air conditioners in bedroom windows.

PLUS, I hate when the blossoming trees smell like Jolly Ranchers and I have to watch the urban wildlife go forth and multiply. Yuck.

SPEAKING OF FATHER’S DAY! Here’s a card I wrote: