Blog - Tortured Soul

There were TWO mysteries at Zeichen Press HQ this week. I prayed and prayed to Benedict Cumberbatch,and my prayers were sort of answered, because Jen came to search/tear the house apart.

FIRST, one of the five kittens was missing.Tib had means AND motive. She was questioned and released.Poor Tib… We accused her of eating her weakest kitten. (True story.)The kitten was later found, unharmed.

Sorry Tib.

But what was the second mystery, Fran??

HUSH, it will be explained in my Tell-All book, coming soon!

OR to use a term I (maybe) coined:

Wintermission!

I’ve been enjoying hour after hour of On Hold Musicand eating all of the Holiday Cookies.

Oh, AND setting up a GoFundMe for Tib The Cat. (Donate today to be eligible for one free kitten. Please. I beg of you.)—

AND HERE’S A BREAK-UP CARD. I’m a giver.

Thanks to buzzfeed quizzes, examining my conscience is so much easier. And shouldn’t we all ask ourselves those tough questions this time of year? “If I were a pizza, what kind would I be?” Or, “Do I prefer Miley Cyrus from her Hanna Montana days or on a Wrecking Ball?” 

But what is a life if it’s not examined? Not picked apart? Not squeezed like an engorged tick in a ziplock baggie?

I make cards between all of this productive introspection. Sometimes fictional creatures are harmed. Sometimes, they are spared.Merry Christmas Eve-Eve!

Last night, I dreamt I took a day trip to Manitoba. Just an afternoon of pool-swimming at an area motel. I came home and bragged to everyone, “I went to Manitohhhba today.”Two observations:

1) No wall-less public toilet in this dream?? That’s right. Who’s in charge now, Dreams??

2) My dreams have finally taken me to Canada…

AND ANOTHER THING: Winter came completely out of nowhere this year. One week it was 71°, and the next week, I had to break out the Smartwool. “Oh, Minnesota! You are so crazy! Potholes and mosquitoes and icehouses!”

Shut up.

Our four desks were pushed together for a Thanksgiving art project; we wrapped bits of Autumn-colored tissue paper around the end of No. 2 pencils, carefully dipped the wrapped end into the puddle of Elmer’s Glue squirted onto a scrap of construction paper, and placed the florette onto the the inside of the outline of a turkey. 1…2…3… Ten seconds for each one to dry and the process to start all over again.

What a perfect time for my 4th grade teacher to join us!

Conversation was breezy but quickly turned to talk of Christmas presents… Boy Student, “Can you believe that I believed in Santa Clause until I was in SECOND GRADE!” Laughter from the table… Laughter fades… MY TEACHER confides in the little group, “You guys, don’t laugh — I believed in Santa Clause until I was in FOURTH GRADE!”

Hmm, *I* believed in Santa Clause until that very moment. 🙁 <–Frowny Face

OH, BUT WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE SO PEPPERED WITH DISILLUSIONMENT??

Fast forward 33 years, DreamWorks Studios

just ordered 400 of THIS card.Sooo, there’s that or whatever.

Just imagine this:

in a Witch or Hobo costume, “Trick or Treat!”

I was never Wrapped in Bacon like these fancy L.A. kids… Our L.A. rep sent us this:I’m assuming this little person was Trick-or-Treating… But I see no treat bag, nor do I see a 3-ring binder, NOR DO I SEE the latest issue of The Watchtower.

True story: Since I put my NO SOLICITORS card on the front door, I have had, exactly, zero solicitors. Buy yours today!

And maybe a pregnant cat.

Don’t say anything. JUST DON’T. Tib might have snuck out the window like some sort of wild teenager. We’ll know as soon as we catch her in the kitchen with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

In other (less controversial) news from the Zeichen Press Headquarters: The new cards are all printed and in the shop! Wanna see?

Life is like the murky end of our lake and you’ll have to dump in a 10 lb. bag of Aquacide Pellets if your mom isn’t there to rake the weeds away.

What is she talking about?

Don’t act like you don’t know.

Do you need a Congratulations-ish card?

You do?!

It only took a few minutes to have a mole removed last week (my chest tube scar needed a BFF) and I texted Jen when it was done, exclaiming my relief at the speediness of the procedure.

She told me that that was the easy part.

That’s the way our relationship works — I get my head all full of smells of burnt flesh and joy, and Jen tethers my helium balloon to the doorknob.

It works. IT WORKS.

It’s time, once again, to print cards for the new release.

Choosing a corresponding envelope color can be difficult, and when Lucy or Loretta are unavailable we use another neutral third party.See how intense she is?

SETTLE DOWN, DINAH.

PS: You know we didn’t win Martha’s American Made Award competition. Stop asking.

We find out on Friday if Martha is adopting us — I already packed my bags. I told Jen to pack hers but I don’t think she heard me as she was pealing out of the driveway with her windows rolled up. Oh, Jen!

We (Jen) started printing the new release today, and to celebrate, Millie left Jen a present right in front of Zeichen Press HQ.It only seemed appropriate that this card be printed first:

The rest of the week (until the adoption), we (Jen) will be printing all of the new cards: