Blog - Noodlin’

My other virtues are my generosity, beauty, and humility.

THAT SAID, while I PATIENTLY wait for Jen to mix ink for the next release, I busied myself creating flowcharts and Venn Diagrams for a client.

TICK TOCK, JEN.

(Can blog posts be passive aggressive?? DISCUSS.)

Don’t you hate looking at photographs when you’re not in them?

Me too!

Oh, and I made this for my gals.

In the spirit of AMC’s award winning dramas, Mad Men and Breaking Bad, comes something written by the devil himself.

With a script scrawled on toilet paper, using a fountain pen filled with raw sewage, Pencil Pusher weaves a tale so dark, so depressing, viewers are advised to swallow two Xanax before viewing.

Meet Ernie Frost: One cog in a massive corporate wheel, one man in one cubicle surrounded by countless other cubicles… Floor upon floor of fabric-covered partitions spread like open prairie.

Deadly open prairie…

Gone are the days of positive incentives and opening the kimono, these are days of the Corporate Gulag.

But Ernie Frost has a plan to end the nightmare…

°°

Phew! Now I won’t have to throw a brick at my t.v. after the last episode of Breaking Bad.

My application for Mensa included a $20 bill and a film.

I hope they accept me — I want that laminated membership card.

I also incuded a couple of my own cards:

Did you know that the Arboretum has a pick-your-own vegetable garden? The signs were more intuitive than posted.

My latest health craze (the last one turned out not to be a “health” craze) promises an upward trajectory of boundless energy and crisply firing synapses. Kale, spinach, green chard, cucumber, celery, lemon, parsley, and apple in one glass.

In one glass.

I’ve learned that a bagful of smuggled kale equals one thimbleful of juice.

One thimbleful.

I wonder how many ounces I would be if I were juiced. Note to self: Juicing bodies would make them easier to flush down toilet.

Look at these beautiful Dahlias and forget everything I just said:Weren’t those lovely?

All of the flowers and vegetables inspired a Father’s Day card:

and that means homeschoolin’ my kids. Don’t be afraid – one of them has come through relatively unscathed (9 fingers!). The other two just rebuilt the carburetor in our truck and can field dress a deer in under ten minutes.

Oh, and reading Beatrix Potter

inspired our small rodent and woodland creatures taxidermy course – so lifelike! That’s a pretty diverse curriculum. I know. I created it myself – Winter might see some hydroponics in the pole barn – we’ll see. WE’LL SEE.

While the kids were digging through the compost pile for fat worms, I managed to do some letterpress printing – I made a new card. It features a flamboyant police officer:

The heat broke like a fever and I’m left shivering in my hot pants and (court ordered) tube-top. I think it’s time to head out to the shop to see what that intern has been up to while I’ve been at the lake.

The customs official demanded we tell him our plans while in Toronto. I told him it was none of his business, and as I reached for the silver cigarette case in my coat pocket, I was wrestled to the ground. The tasers saved me a trip to the bathroom.

Thank God my husband speaks Canadian or we’d still be in the interrogation room.

I should have told that official that my plans were to watch t.v. in my bathroom mirror while soaking in the tub. I think that’s what I did? My head still hurts pretty bad from being banged on the terrazzo.

Like Dora the Explorer, I packed a map and a monkey in my backpack, finished my screwdriver, and headed out.

Using the handy Where To Buy page as a guide, I was able to track down three local stores that carry Zeichen Press goods. Needless to say, my reception was overwhelming – being hoisted up on shoulders and paraded down Queen Street was too much. Do you hear me, shopkeepers??

°°°

First shop: Outer Layer, a cheerful boutique. Full of fun and, dare I say, whimsy? No. I’ll never say that again.

But how else could I describe a doll that is also a cheese grater?

Or the Ann Taintor magnet collection on the antique bank safe?

Or a manager named Jett Black???

°°°

On to Shop #2: Valhalla Cards & Gifts:

This shop felt like everything in it was curated by a man named Chadwick. Wait, it was! From the Dumpling Dynasty Bunny Kit:

To the Unicorn Wishes action figure:

This shop wouldn’t let me leave – Chadwick finally had to throw me out. But not before he placed an order for more cards.

°°°

Okay, onto #3: The Paper Place:

Because paper is my bread & butter, I felt extra reverent crossing the threshold. As I knelt before the card rack, something inside me said, “hey! I wonder if this place has erasers shaped like peanuts.”

And it did! I bought the whole bowl.

I hugged the sock zebra before I left. It was time to go. I knew this because I saw the policeman walking through the door.

Until we meet again, Toronto. Until we meet again.

My brother took some old bicycle parts (they weren’t really old, just unguarded) and screwed them to an outhouse. He called this his ice-fishing house and wheeled it the five blocks to Lake Harriet every morning before school.

It probably wasn’t an outhouse and he probably wasn’t ice-fishing. But the important thing was the procedure: Wake up before the crack of dawn, drag, push, and pull the little house through the dark and cold, onto the frozen lake.

What a strange young man.

It has taken us years to fine-tune our order-processing procedure at Zeichen Press. It is now just like a beautifully choreographed ballet. Costumes are optional so Jen never wears hers. Anyway, we are testing out a new step in the procedure. I call it the Order Chute. 

There are 21 States left in America that don’t have the luxury of being able to pick up a Zeichen Press card at their favorite boutique.

21.

This troubles me. How can we call ourselves a great nation when we can’t even get the people what they need??

I’m talking to you, Sales Representatives in Those Neglected States. You know who you are. It’s never too late to contact us.

As for you, You Lucky States: You can thank these people for making your lives just a little bit better.

Amen.