Blog - New Cards

Zeichen Press has never had a Wintertime Intern.

Until now.

I expect the new “intern” to make me laugh. It’s an important job. She also claims she will sort type and organize cards but we’ll see. WE’LL SEE.

In other news: I made ANOTHER Thinking Of You card. I thought and thought about what sort of message I’d like to receive if I were down-in-the-dumps, and I came up with this:My sister wanted me to show The-Softer-Side-Of-Fran, but all I could think of was Marshmallow Fluff® and then I just wanted to sit on the beach and pull hermit crabs out of their shells.

What is wrong with me?

There has been an ethical debate raging regarding snail shell art. Some feel that humans have the right to decorate the shells of living snails.

Where do I stand? The following new birthday card reveals my feelings on this sensitive subject:Please respect my freedom of speech.

Speaking of freedom: Come down to Foiled Again on Saturday night for some free wine. While you’re there, you could buy some of our cards!

Two birds! One stone!

I can’t wait until scientists clone the Woolly Mammoth.

Some might call it reckless curiosity, I call it Vegas-style science. Implanting salvaged Woolly Mammoth nuclei into an unsuspecting Asian Elephant sounds safe to me — what could happen? 

Meanwhile, I lay awake and imagine receiving (or not receiving) a baby Woolly Mammoth as a gift. 

But I did take French in high school so I know all about magnetephones, l’autobus, et la lunettes pour Luc.

For the foreseeable future, I will stay within a 30 mile radius of the Zeichen Press headquarters and dream of faraway lands.Feeling the need for a Field Trip, I went to the Other Side Of Minneapolis and visited Rex Mills. I walked through the front door, broke the tenth commandment, (You shall not covet – geez, get your mind out of the gutter) pretended I had something in my eye, snapped some photos, threw a drink in the owner’s face, stole five pounds of ink, and left.That man in the photograph is not the owner — Rex Mills has Press Operators.

I will kidnap him as soon as my taser gun arrives in the mail.

Bears have it best — fattening up and slipping into their Wintertime coma. I sit here, like a fool, planning my Wintertime Wardrobe — if I never had to shower, I would wear my neck to ankle long-underwear uninterrupted.

I have Faith that Winter will eventually turn to Spring.

In Spring, I will tear off my layers of long-underwear. I will bury my Smartwool in the backyard. I will shun my calf-length coat like an old boyfriend. (I can’t believe I was with YOU!!)

In Spring, kids graduate from educational institutions. And because I am a Giver, I give you these: New graduation cards. Don’t be like, “Why are you thinking about graduation in October?”

Just accept the greeting card calendar. ACCEPT IT.

How To Play:

Witch

• Using a neighborhood approved selection method (engine, engine #9 — bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish, etc.) select The Witch.

• Use the same method to select a Guinea Pig.

• The remaining players are Runners.

• The Witch leads The Guinea Pig away. (This should be terrifying.) The Witch hides The Guinea Pig — not on the garage roof. (This might be tempting. Don’t do it.)

• The Witch gives (verbally) a list of tasks to The Guinea Pig — things like: A) Run around the house three times singing The Happy Birthday Song. B) Dig a hole, bury one June Bug in it. C) Fill a hat with decorative rocks from the neighbor’s garden, etc.

• At this point, The Witch must call out “ready-or-not!” from wherever he/she is waiting/hiding.

• The “tasks” given to the The Guinea Pig are meant to lure the Runners off their safe-base and into the waiting/hiding clutches of The Witch while searching for the hidden Guinea Pig.

• When/if any Runners are caught by The Witch, he or she turns them into Another Guinea Pig. Meaning: They are hidden and given a new list of tasks for The Runners to complete.

• When tasks are completed for a particular Pig, a Runner must free them by tagging. The Guinea Pig must run to the safe-base without being caught by The Witch.

• If The Runners successfully free The Guinea Pig(s), they win the game.

• If The Witch catches all of The Runners, she/he wins the game.

* If someone wets their pants during course of play, a “time-out” should be called and fresh pants should replace wet pants.

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In a bold (not really) and unprecedented (true) move, Zeichen Press will be offereing box sets of greeting cards that are not letterpress printed.

Hold your applause until the end.

We call this our Makeready Collection.

Why?

Letterpress printers (like us) need to test placement, packing, and color when printing something new. The same old piece of paper is printed on over and over again, resulting in an odd (and might I add, paranormal?) mishmash of goodness.

Our Makeready Collection imitates this letterpress printing practice using a computer and some other kind of printing. (Offset)

Here are the three designs: (Available for The New Year)

I’m not a lawyer or a scientist but I understand the importance of writing marital vows that contain language relating to soulless corpses.

I know it’s not Zombie Season because the weather is cooler and I know the weather is cooler because the maggots in the garbage bin magically disappeared. The rash of zombie activity this Summer has inspired me to rewrite my vows — I simply cannot have my husband strip naked and eat my face on the turnpike.

Give this card to newlyweds or oldyweds:

The only way to find out if you’re truly compatible with another is to spend a year together aboard a Portuguese fishing vessel.

Unfortunately, that’s not always an option. Don’t spend another minute agonizing!

Forget the touchy-feely Relationships aisle at Barnes & Noble or (gasp) your local library! Forget the $120/hour couples counselor! Forget mind-reading, unmet expectations, behavior prediction!

Zeichen Press has created a $4.00 cheat sheet! Collect them all (there’s only one) and store them safely in a polished mahogany box. Tabulated by topics, like: Division-of-Labor, Apology, and so much more!

*A Mating Tip Card and a BB gun make the perfect wedding gift.

My retirement plans are needy and demand an Airstream Trailer

and a plot of land in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee — as close as possible to Dollywood.

That would be fine as cream gravy.

Yes, retirement — everyone does it differently. Some like to join communities in Arizona and some like to hoard cats. Hoard cats until one day they have a stroke, can’t get to the phone, die of starvation, and their beloved pets eat their face.

But everyone is so different! And as my Grandma Shea used to say, “It takes all kinds.”

So wise.

Did you know that the Arboretum has a pick-your-own vegetable garden? The signs were more intuitive than posted.

My latest health craze (the last one turned out not to be a “health” craze) promises an upward trajectory of boundless energy and crisply firing synapses. Kale, spinach, green chard, cucumber, celery, lemon, parsley, and apple in one glass.

In one glass.

I’ve learned that a bagful of smuggled kale equals one thimbleful of juice.

One thimbleful.

I wonder how many ounces I would be if I were juiced. Note to self: Juicing bodies would make them easier to flush down toilet.

Look at these beautiful Dahlias and forget everything I just said:Weren’t those lovely?

All of the flowers and vegetables inspired a Father’s Day card: