Being Eaten By Monsters Is Not So Funny - New Cards

My older brothers had a bunk bed, my little brother had his own bed and my sister and I shared a queen-sized bed.

We also shared countless hours of strange bedtime rituals: she would put on her school uniform (white blouse and brown plaid jumper) and pull her nightgown over it — that was for early morning efficiency… I would skip the uniform step and go right to the nightgown.

I was so slow!

She would coat her arms in Elmer’s Glue,

I would dress and redress Raggedy Ann.

I don’t know if she shared my fear of the monster under the bed.

No, what am I saying? She did not. In fact, she created the fear!

Siblings can be so cruel.

PHEW!

My Faith in Humanity was fortified! I bought a tripod from a stranger on Craiglist and he made no mention of kidnappng, torturing, OR skinning me.

Now I can stumble my way through taking photographs of the new cards!

The Craigslist man assured me (three times) that the tripod was the “real deal” so that should help.

She waited.

Pacing the widow’s walk, praying for his ship to appear on the horizon, her view of the sea uninterrupted from her perch.

But no!

And who but those onboard could know the truth — was it a storm? Pirates? Mutiny?

Or was it The Kraken?

That’s the sound that March makes — that and a muffled sobbing. February triggers cabin fever but March in Minnesota is far more dangerous.

Here’s a story about March: One Christmas, Santa put a baby albino rabbit under the tree — so delightful! 

The little rabbit grew into a big rabbit and by the next Winter, our basement smelled like the bunny barn at the State Fair. With scraps of wood and a bale of hay, I built an outdoor rabbit hutch.

In a pinch, it could serve as a coffin for an adult man.

IN A PINCH.

By March it was buried under several feet of snow and I’d order my eldest to go spend time with the rabbit in the snow coffin.

The moral of the story is: Get a dog.

And something about March creating crazy. Thank God I have an outlet for my March crazy:

My high school English teacher told the class that if we looked up the word ‘glib’ in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me.

She was right!

I think I felt insulted.

I’m sure Jen’s high school English teacher said something similar about her.

And if not, she should have.

What does this have to do with angry parents or a new card?

Obviously, my glibness was not celebrated at home. In fact, it was frowned upon — can you believe it?! 

And Jen’s reckless behavior?? You’ll have to ask her about that… I mean, pregnant at 19?! What was she THINKING?! (Wait, that was me?? We need to hire a fact checker.)

And it can be done from the comfort of your own home!

If you’re like me (don’t worry, you’re not) you don’t like to “leave” your house or “go” anywhere.

Don’t worry!

World Domination will be yours as long as you have these three things:

1) Wi-Fi

2) Computer

3) Forever Lazy Suit

We just picked up a new rep for the Virginia and West Virginia territories (that’s right, TERRITORIES. Like a gang.)

We are excited to welcome him aboard!

And we hope we don’t scare him away with our love for Franimals and wine.

There IS a universal language on the World Wide Web and understanding it only requires the appreciation of three things:

1) Kittens

2) Wine

3) Talking dogs

Also, videos where guys get kicked in the nuts — but those existed before YouTube.

I follow the dog around the house with my iPhone and I plan on kicking a guy in the nuts this week.

My life is all kittens and wine, so I was able to create the following: 

Feel free to share that 1,000,000 times.

And here’s a new card: It’s a true story.

Ah, romance! One couple might choose dinner and a movie… Another couple might choose post-coital cannibalism.

Who’s the fairest one of all?

There is SO much happening around here! First, I had to bait a squirrel trapto catch the Kitchen-Squirrel. I was going to fill the trap with my kitchen garbage (her favorite) but I decided to go for something more bourgeois: Skippy Peanut Butter.

And then there was a serious decision to make: Which card would Paper Source like more?I hope we chose wisely because one of our lives (Jen’s) is on the line.

Oh, and I didn’t forget that it is Valentine’s Day today, I am very romantic. Here is proof:

For Immediate Release: In an attempt to build the Zeichen Press Fan Base, Jen Shea and Fran Shea will appear on a local cable-access show locked in a cell and covered in Fancy Feast™. 1,000 cats will be released into the cell through a small hatch. Fran and Jen will sing a medley of famous duets, including Islands In the Stream, Endless Love, and You Don’t Bring Me Flowers.

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