Blog - New Cards

Nighttime is just like daytime but with fewer socks and more Professor Blastoff.

Who is Professor Blastoff??

Professor Blastoff is a podcast/my gateway to dreamland. Not because it’s boring! Shut your pretty mouth. But because these three comedians lull me me to sleep with their soothing silliness. How can silliness be soothing?? Just listen to it and quit judging me.

Speaking of professors, a(n) (assistant) professor (Alicia Erian) at Northeastern University (Department of English and Tomfoolery) took such a shine to Zeichen Press that she is our new (virtual) intern! Responsibilities include (but aren’t limited to): Telling me how awesome I am.

She didn’t love this next card but I still love her.

In this story, the ‘straw’ is paper-and-ink and the ‘gold’ is a cash box full of cash.

If only mortgage companies and grocery stores accepted hugs and back rubs in exchange for their products and services! Alas, they do not, and so we are forced to peddle our wares. Normally, shops around the WORLD (that’s right) peddle our goods for us, but once a year, we come out of hiding, and on horseback, to peddle our own goods at the beloved No Coast Craft-o-Rama.

Is it because we love laughter and the spirit of the Holiday Season? Or is it because we love money?

Oh, the reformed Scrooge inside of me says it’s not about the money. IT’S NOT.

Where?

AT THE MIDTOWN GLOBAL MARKET FOR THE NO COAST CRAFT-O-RAMA!!

Directions:

1) Put on all of your clothes and coats.

2) Hitch sled-dogs to sled.

3) MUSH!!

4) Do ALL of your Holiday shopping. And eating.

Is there a better way to embrace the Holiday season??

NO.

Now that the temperature has dropped to depressing lows, I’ve turned to TLC reruns for comfort. …My Strange Addiction is the best thing on television… Why wouldn’t I gorge myself on other people’s dysfunction?

But enough about women addicted to drinking their own urine. Here’s a card about perspective.

It’s easy!

Old folks like Misao Okawa credit their longevity to poached eggs and whiskey.

Oh, I can do that.

Mawage.

Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…According to TMZ, Kanye and Kim just got engaged. (Awww). Kanye rented out a baseball stadium, hired an orchestra to play Kim’s favorite song, got on one knee and presented her with a 15 carat diamond ring.

Is that all?

I think the space shuttle is rentable. So is Lana Del Ray. And so are all of the South African diamond mine workers.

I expect more from Kanye.

I’ll send him this card.

There has been much debate and fury over genetically modified food.

But what about genetically modified children?

WHAT ABOUT THAT??PS: I wrote this blog post on my iPhone because I despise easy things.

I think that box was checked on my elementary school progress reports… But who could be bothered with such details??

Not me. NOT ME. And that’s why I secured a blank progress report, checked the best boxes, and brought it to my parents.

See? I wasn’t that easily distracted.

°°

I am busy taking photographs of the new cardsbut not too busy to document some pretty fascinating activity:

Aren’t you glad you watched that??

I know I’m supposed to be doing something… Oh, that’s right, putting hungry vegetables on a card.No??

It’ll come to me after I stare out the window and pet that cat.

His conscience was clear and his heart light amidst all his troubles; so he went peaceably to bed, left all his cares to Heaven, and soon fell asleep. In the morning after he had said his prayers, he sat himself down to his work; when, to his great wonder, there stood the shoes all ready made, upon the table.Elves! 

(Sorry about the spoiler if you haven’t read that Fairy Tale.)

I went to a neurologist and he discovered elves in my occipital lobe and that explains everything!Every night, I go peaceably to bed, leave all my cares to Heaven, and soon fall asleep — but not before I aggressively ruminate on an idea for a new card. While I sleep, the elves get to work and when I wake up, the new card is done!

Thank the elves for this new card:THANK THEM.

In the spirit of AMC’s award winning dramas, Mad Men and Breaking Bad, comes something written by the devil himself.

With a script scrawled on toilet paper, using a fountain pen filled with raw sewage, Pencil Pusher weaves a tale so dark, so depressing, viewers are advised to swallow two Xanax before viewing.

Meet Ernie Frost: One cog in a massive corporate wheel, one man in one cubicle surrounded by countless other cubicles… Floor upon floor of fabric-covered partitions spread like open prairie.

Deadly open prairie…

Gone are the days of positive incentives and opening the kimono, these are days of the Corporate Gulag.

But Ernie Frost has a plan to end the nightmare…

°°

Phew! Now I won’t have to throw a brick at my t.v. after the last episode of Breaking Bad.