$*#-ing Cold OR A Step-By-Step Letterpress Project - Letterpress

Proposals were requested by a public entity (m-m-mysterious!) and WHO ARE WE not to respond?? We felt it our duty (doodie) – as citizens – of this great state, to answer the call.

What follows is a step-by-step account of the creation of the proposal. Zeichen Press style.

°°°

1) Do I look bitter? I’m getting into character. 

2) Brrr! This type is as cold as my heart. Here is the part where lead type is put into something called a stick. Sometimes reading backwards makes me so angry.

3) Now that cold, lead type is locked up into a (cold, metal) frame using fancy (cold, metal) things called quoins. This whole thing is very heavy and sits flat on a proof press. Ready to do my bidding.

4) I load up my brayer with black ink so I can roll it across the type.

5) When I’m sure that my type is evenly inky, I roll this over it. *Notice the vice-grips. I don’t remember why I put them on there and am now afraid to take them off.

6) Isn’t this magical? Ink + paper = awesome.

7) (I would show Jen printing the pages for the guts of the proposal but I felt too fragile to withstand another one of her icy stares.)

8) Printing done.

9) This is where Andrea is shackled to the table and sews the pages into little books while I throw olives at her head.

10) And this is where the little books are finished.

I suppose other people will email their proposals. That’s cool, too.

The No-Coast Craft-O-Rama is behind us and – like so many weekends – it’s all a blur.

I do remember Jen yelling “yahtzee!” whenever someone ordered the Show Special (two eggs, a slice of bacon and Texas toast with a dozen cards). And I remember feeling drunk with power. The top-selling card of the weekend was:

That tells me that Minneapolis is full of a lot of weirdos. Like me.

This card was also a big seller:

And that tells me that Minneapolis is full of a lot of moral ambiguity.

That reminds me! We had a snowstorm on Friday!

Luckily nobody had to eat anyone else to survive. Whew, right? That would not have been great for sales.

Would you rather have your significant other’s hands be replaced with Flounders OR your lips be replaced with a duckbill?

That’s a toughy.

How about: Would you rather have to wear a Kiss the Cook apron everyday (for the rest of your life) OR a multi-colored clown wig?

Sorry about that.

Okay, would you rather do your holiday shopping at the Midtown Market – where there will be 100 venders, vending beautiful/original handmade goodness – the air filled with the smells of exotic foods and the spirit of gift-giving??? OR maybe you’d rather sit at your computer and click on an Add To Cart button??

We’ll see you there! Zeichen Press is at table E-35!

Who put that stupid flyer on my windshield?

Not a flyer! ! A parking ticket??

My first!

What a special day.

I won’t even dispute it.

AFTER THAT HAPPENED, I made this “grocery” list:

AND THEN, I got an email from a writer at Popular Mechanics.

Stifle your laughter. He’s putting together a story about businesses that started as hobbies. Now I have to pretend that I actually enjoyed letterpress as some sort of “hobby” before it turned into this soul-sucking-money-generating-machine.

The Big No-Coast show is only 5 days away.To prepare ourselves, Jen and I are watching hour after hour of training videos. We have found that the only way we can really get into the spirit of a craft show is with a Dolly Parton soundtrack. But I’m sure that’s true for everyone.

It’s important to name things. My middle toes, my water bottle and all of my hypothetical tumors have names. I got to use my naming skills this week to name a real product for a real company. I’ll pose (nude) next to the product when it hits the Apple Store shelves. I think that’s what PR people mean by “changing the conversation.” We’ll find out.

Meanwhile, Fred was busy photographing our latest letterpress cards. If you like unicorns, (who doesn’t?) I have just the card for you. Also, if you like men carrying baby elephants or know someone that is grieving the loss of a cat, you will be satisfied.

ETC.

Snap, snap!! Take me to the shop!! 

People that talk about Top Secret Projects are usually insane. Anyway, I’m working on something BIG. This will change the way everyone does everything. Not really. I can’t really say much more EXCEPT it rhymes with slap AND it’ll be used on a communication device. But have I said too much??

 Here, just watch the video and forget everything I just told you:

Thank God for A&E’s latest voyeur-drama Hoarders. THANK GOD. Do these people not understand that those television cameras mean that they are going to be on television? Were they told that this would be the only way they could get help? Mary Lynn, this garbage can’t be shoveled out of the house unless we broadcast your story to millions of people. And Mary Lynn (who has been using adult diapers for two years because she can’t find her toilet) immediately gives in. I would, too.

So, in the spirit of Hoarders, I’m de-cluttering my computer. Why would I have eight copies of Michael Jackson’s Thriller?

Look at this old press release I found!:

I have no idea (yes, I do) why I felt compelled to write this card. I should be thinking about scarecrows and bobbing for apples and burning witches at the stake. Anyway, here’s a Mother’s Day card – look for it in our shop and at these fine stores in the Springtime. Just to give a little behind the scenes action, here’s what it looks like when I set all of that pesky type:

Where was Apartment Therapy when I lived in an apartment?? I could have used some advice — My television sat on two empty Old Milwaukee cases and the only chair was my bed. I guess my source of income (cat breeding, just kidding. Grocery bagging. Just kidding. Stripping.) didn’t really provide a lot of extra money for decorating anyway. See “Tater Tots, Kings Wine Bar, Letterpress, Deer John” 
Every year, Apartment Therapy branches out of their usual home decorating palette to recognize “the best” letterpress cards. This year, we made the cut. I’d like to thank all of the families that send out those creepy holiday newsletters – you are an inspiration. You know who you are.