Posts in Minneapolis letterpress

Pater Noster, n’stuff

published by Fran Shea

Hail battered my window AC and woke me up just in time for The Apocalypse.

But luckily it wasn’t THE Apocalypse because I didn’t have my Doomsday Bunker prepared. So I used an old blanket to mop up the ten gallons of rain that blew through windows-I-forgot-to-shut. It felt anti-climactic.

The Almost-Apocolypse was followed by a heatwave so I hunkered down in my air-conditioned cell and made a couple of Father’s Day cards because Father’s Day is coming up and I LOVE DADS!

Mystery Solving and Scapegoating and Huge Fans

published by Fran Shea

This isn’t the first time I blamed The Cats for a crime they didn’t commit.

Nor will it be the last. tib mugshotThe odor of rotten animal is unforgettable and like the odor of rotting potato, it is embedded in the brain. But sometimes the brain jumbles the smell of decomposing rodent with the smell of a blanket of maggots coating the bottom of the garbage can.

And that is where my story begins…

The Summer Breeze gently wafted through the upstairs windows. It was pleasant, until an occasional repulsive odor stung my nostrils. I blamed The Cats for hunting, killing, and hiding their prey somewhere on my second floor.

But a search for a body was in vain and a garbage can investigation led me to the real suspect: that damn blanket of maggots coating the bottom of the garbage can!

Mea culpa, Tib!  When will I ever trust you again??

Speaking of breezes (and puns??)… Here’s a new thank you/congratulations card.really big fan

Seeing Spring on the Dualistic Spectrum

published by Fran Shea

Farewell my Wintertime Prison… Springtime is the amnesty hors d’oeuvre and reminds all (in these Northern climates) of the duality of nature.

See the flattened squirrel on the bike path? (Why is it SO flat on a bike path? WHY??)flattened-squirrelAnd see the lilacs in full bloom? (DO YOU??!! Face-meltingly beautiful…)lilacs-from-dining-room-windowHmm, people also think about baseball in the Spring? Right? How about a congratulations card for the bros?a-great-sports-metaphor

Sympathy/Empathy Cards

published by Fran Shea

(((flashback)))

My husband was on a business trip, and that meant it was time for one or more of the kids to get the stomach flu. Because we love tradition, the youngest barfed in her own bath water. While I was cleaning that up, and not to be outdone, the middle one inhaled and regurgitated his macaroni & cheese right back on the plate.

The older one slunk away.

While I was cleaning that up, and unbeknownst to me, the cat coughed up a slimy hair-ball. I stepped on it (barefoot).

While I stood on one foot, crying, the dog came over and licked it up.

The Endwalked-a-mile

Martyr Memo

published by Fran Shea

No, no… don’t worry about me — I’m fine! I actually enjoy imagining exotic travel. Who needs all of that packing and jet-lag… and those language barriers?… No thanks!

Jen is (still) in Turkeyjen-in-turkey

(is she ever coming home??) and I am here.fran-feet-smartwool

See how I put my feet in the picture so that you can tell that I’m REALLY here?

My daydreams are broken only by Tib the Cat.tib-hanging-on-doorAnd the other inmates’ bickering.

But shouldn’t I embrace this opportunity during Lent for self-denial?

FINE.jesus-told-me-vert

Behold, I bring you Good Tidings Of Great Joy!

published by Fran Shea

And like the Canadian Goose, she stayed. She stayed and embraced the cold, using her derriére to warm the waters of her pond.

And by derriére, I mean “bottom” and by waters of her pond, I mean “the Midtown Market.”

What?!

It’s time for the No-Coast Craft-o-Rama! TOMORROW (Friday, December 7 AND Saturday, December 8)!!

Here’s what I’ve done to get ready: firewoodThat’s a full cord of wood that I ordered.

AND I made this card:face-melting-holiday-joy-betterJen did everything else.

See you tomorrow!

xo,

Fran

It Looks Like A Duck So It Must be Spring

published by Fran Shea

Interns make me think of Summer and since we met two potential candidates this week, I think Summer must be approaching. I wanted to have the girls fight to the death for the position but Jen said we could hire both. She is so sensible.

Anyway, Jen’s going on vacation tomorrow and that leaves me plenty of time to clean up the blood and call Centerpoint before I dig the grave in my backyard.

Dear Diary, I witnessed something today that I’m pretty sure is illegal. Anyway, I hope Jen has a nice time in Mexico. Fondly, Franscrewed