Posts in Father’s Day card
List of things Millie has peed in or on:
- – Shoes
- – Coats
- – Rugs
- – The bathroom floor
- – Towels left on the bathroom floor
- – Backpacks
- – Dirty laundry
- – Clean laundry
- – Stack of paper for a Room & Board project
Oh, yeah! Jen’s shoes! Silly Jen, doesn’t she know that is one of Millie’s 9 favorite places to empty her bladder??
Millie told me later that she does this to remind humans about overcoming adversity… It actually makes sense because she’s been totally into Brené Brown lately!
Why were Jen’s shoes off anyway?? BECAUSE she prints a sample of a new card, marches from the shop to the house, takes her shoes off by the back door so we can pick the perfect envelope and paper color, THEN slips her shoes back on so she can march back out to print. BUT while we were busy picking the perfect envelope and paper color, Millie was busy filling Jen’s Dansko clogs with a liquid surprise… Oh, Millie! One card down, only 17 more to go!
DAMN, that’s a lot of pinkish ink on the press… Don’t worry, we expressed our gratitude for Millie via organic beef treats (SHE DIDN’T SHARE.) Oh, and Jen prints barefoot now.
Here’s a teaser:
No Spring this year, but I don’t even care because there are usually too many weeks (wasted) between moving cars so the snowplow can plow
and installing air conditioners in bedroom windows.
PLUS, I hate when the blossoming trees smell like Jolly Ranchers and I have to watch the urban wildlife go forth and multiply. Yuck.
SPEAKING OF FATHER’S DAY! Here’s a card I wrote:
Have I mentioned how much Millie The Dog barks at anything and everything within a 500 foot perimeter of our house? Mailman, delivery-person, solicitors, neighbors, guests, the kids, trick-or-treaters, my mom… We’ve talked a lot about it and she feels super responsible for alerting us – I told her that we really don’t need that kind of help, BUT WE DID. SHE WAS RIGHT. SHE’S ALWAYS RIGHT.
SO, my driveway was full of a dumpster filled with bathroom remodel debris, Millie was having a staycation with a friend, AND SOME JERK CLIPPED THE LOCK ON OUR SHED AND STOLE MY BIKE.And he threw the lock in the dirt like some sort of criminal.
AND THEN, the loser (no judgment) tried to sell MY bike on a site called OfferUp.com.
But he is as slippery as an eel wrapped in a banana peel, and disappeared INTO THE NIGHT. Police have been alerted, prayers to St. Anthony have been said. I asked St. Anthony if he could forward my prayers onto the Patron Saint of Stolen Goods and he told me to go back to sleep and stop Googling escutcheons for the new bathroom.
While I wait for my miracle, I spend days mindlessly migrating ALL of the content from the Zeichen Press site to THE NEW Zeichen Press site. DON’T WORRY, you won’t even be able to tell the difference because we wanted to spend a lot of money on something that nobody notices.
OH, and Jen got some new/old cutsso I made a Father’s Day Card out of that little man.BACK TO MIGRATING/WEEPING.
…El Niño. I know I’m supposed to be cursing Climate Change… I KNOW.
But how can I curse when meteorologists are predicting a warmer-than-usual winter??
I must embrace the phenomenon the way a mother embraces her wayward son.
IN OTHER NEWS, Jen and I chose 12 cards for the next release using darts, a cardboard cutout of Steve Buscemi, and our first-aid kit.
Here’s a teaser:And because I always plan ahead, here’s a new Father’s Day card:
Did you know that the Arboretum has a pick-your-own vegetable garden? The signs were more intuitive than posted.
My latest health craze (the last one turned out not to be a “health” craze) promises an upward trajectory of boundless energy and crisply firing synapses. Kale, spinach, green chard, cucumber, celery, lemon, parsley, and apple in one glass.
In one glass.
I’ve learned that a bagful of smuggled kale equals one thimbleful of juice.
I wonder how many ounces I would be if I were juiced. Note to self: Juicing bodies would make them easier to flush down toilet.
Look at these beautiful Dahlias and forget everything I just said:Weren’t those lovely?
All of the flowers and vegetables inspired a Father’s Day card:
At brunch, George Lucas asked me to write a Father’s Day card that suggests a theme from the Star Wars Trilogy but warned me not to use any of the Star Wars imagery. It was a strange request but I accepted the challenge and after tossing back our mimosas, we arm-wrestled and I made this:
Judy was tired of being stuck upstairs. She longed for the streets. She longed for adventure. She longed for danger.
Day after day, trapped by that drooling, excitable houseguest. It was just too much. She had only one choice: jump off the balcony. Thank goodness the deck broke her fall. This wasn’t the first time she threw caution to the wind. It was, in fact, the third. Words are unnecessary when there is photographic evidence of this nature (if you are squeamish, scroll no more):
That’s what a tail looks like when all of the nice stuff has been ripped off of it. Or, as the vet told me, “degloved.” We can’t imagine what she did in the cat world to deserve that treatment.
Just when we stopped crying ourselves to sleep, she came home looking like a BP oil spill casualty.Meow!
Poor Judy, only six lives left. Use them wisely.
Judy happens to be my mother’s name and so this is the perfect way to introduce a new Mother’s Day card:And just to keep it fair, here is a Father’s Day card: