Posts in Murder

BIG plans vs. reality

published by Fran Shea

One of our many cats had chronic diarrhea. We kept her around because she produced litter after litter of adorable white kittens.

And because coming home was always a surprise — where would we find her poop today?? In the mitten-bin… in the laundry basket… under my daughter’s pillow??

Life is so full of surprises!

Like, when the vet called to say she died after he removed her ovaries. SURPRISE! Oh, but now she doesn’t send us on poop-hunts, because she’s buried in a shallow grave in the backyard.

First life zigs, and then it zags!gonna start juicing

Serious Business

published by Fran Shea

Nothing could come between a girl and her Etch A Sketch in 1981.Fran etch a sketchNOTHING.

Just look at that tight-lipped concentration… LOOK AT IT.fran concentratingMaybe I was creating a message for my mom? Or a beautiful design? Or a note to my brother begging him to stop slowly poisoning my parakeet and calling me Oot Head.

WHO KNOWS?

My Etch A Sketch has been replaced with 10,000 pounds of letterpress equipment, a laptop, and Jen. (Sorry, Jen.)

Here’s a new Valentine’s Day card… Lead type and an antique cut can barely compare to the magic of my childhood.airbags with chocolates

Post-Epiphany -OR- Crime Solving By Proxy

published by Fran Shea

January has already been SO busy. I don’t know about Jen, but I’ve had to take a really active role as a listener/watcher.

First this: (Sherlock!)

sherlock-pipe

And then this: (Serial Podcast: season 2!)

serial-soldier

And now THIS?? (Making A Murderer, brought to you by the good folks at Netflix and Men’s Wearhouse!)

steven-avery

It’s a lot to keep track of… I’m taking notes if anyone needs them.

Don’t ask me how (DON’T ASK ME), but I was able to squeeze in one card:

we-come-bearing-gifts-2

No Surprise!

published by Fran Shea

Some things are predictable – and thank goodness! It’s important to have things to count on… runny noses in February, militant-radical beheadings, and birthdays.birthday tickles revisedThe kittens just stole the strand of toilet paper that I was using to wipe my runny nose… ISIS militants cover their faces in black balaclavas… and I write birthday cards.

OH, LIFE.

Mystery Solved!

published by Fran Shea

With the warm weather comes mating animals and flies covering the shop windows.flies on shop windowAnd nothing else. NOTHING ELSE.

One might ask, “I wonder why that window is so filthy?” And another might respond, “Shhh, just close your eyes while I slowly and firmly place this pillow over your face…”

There.

Now, onto the flies. I did all the research and learned that these are no ordinary flies. The internet told me that they are called Cluster Flies, so I vacuumed them up and made this card:Life is too short

How To Catch A Fish (Sort Of)

published by Fran Shea

By age nine, I would delicately,

with my right hand, fold down the sharp fins of a Sunfish.

Why? 

So I could use my left hand to insert the rusty pliars into the gasping mouth of my catch to retrieve the swallowed hook.

If I was lucky.

If I wasn’t lucky, I’d stare at my motionless bobber for hours.

*Some backstory: My older brother (third of eight) allowed me to fish with him if I did whatever he said, and didn’t cry. He was SERIOUS about fishing. I had glasses and greasy blonde hair.

**Some backstory about the backstory: My brother was born in September, and I was already a sprouted seed in our Mom’s belly by the next Summer.

I think I’ve used the bobber-watching metaphor before, but it is APT. Everyday, I wait for my agent to tell me to get the rusty pliars.

Why doesn’t he ever tell me to get the rusty pliars??

He just tells me to “hang in there.”hang-in-thereOh, back to my Mom… She has 22 grandkids. This is her with the latest:mom-and-theoHAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

A Winter Cocoon

published by Fran Shea

Now that the temperature has dropped to depressing lows, I’ve turned to TLC reruns for comfort. …My Strange Addiction is the best thing on television… Why wouldn’t I gorge myself on other people’s dysfunction?

But enough about women addicted to drinking their own urine. Here’s a card about perspective.feeling-bad

Easily Distracted In Class

published by Fran Shea

I think that box was checked on my elementary school progress reports… But who could be bothered with such details??

Not me. NOT ME. And that’s why I secured a blank progress report, checked the best boxes, and brought it to my parents.

See? I wasn’t that easily distracted.

°°

I am busy taking photographs of the new cardswater-vodka-2but not too busy to document some pretty fascinating activity:

Aren’t you glad you watched that??

I know I’m supposed to be doing something… Oh, that’s right, putting hungry vegetables on a card.eat-your-veggies-2No??

It’ll come to me after I stare out the window and pet that cat.

Ode To My TV (and more)

published by Fran Shea

In the spirit of AMC’s award winning dramas, Mad Men and Breaking Bad, comes something written by the devil himself.pencil-pusher

With a script scrawled on toilet paper, using a fountain pen filled with raw sewage, Pencil Pusher weaves a tale so dark, so depressing, viewers are advised to swallow two Xanax before viewing.

Meet Ernie Frost: One cog in a massive corporate wheel, one man in one cubicle surrounded by countless other cubicles… Floor upon floor of fabric-covered partitions spread like open prairie.

Deadly open prairie…

Gone are the days of positive incentives and opening the kimono, these are days of the Corporate Gulag.

But Ernie Frost has a plan to end the nightmare…

°°

Phew! Now I won’t have to throw a brick at my t.v. after the last episode of Breaking Bad.when-i-grow-up

First, Poison The Ants

published by Fran Shea

An ANTfestation in the shop required aggressive use of insecticide. Two waves of spray-on poison were needed to completely wipe out the colony hiding behind the Great Wall Of Cards.shop-shelvesWe murdered thousands of antsantsbefore Jen and I had an important meeting to decide which cards should be included in our next release.

Wait, after the genocide, but before the important meeting, Classic Pam got ahold of another baby rabbit. (See blog post: Fear and Dread) There was some backyard bedlam involving the dog and five kids chasing the cat… I got caught up in the chase but ended up somehow kicking the hopping baby rabbit. Don’t ask me how that happened.

DON’T ASK.

And without further adieu… the moment you’ve all been waiting for… OUR… NEW… CARDS!!!

applause-sign-1forgive-me-fatherlet-us-not-dwell-2 sometimes-i-cry ruled-his-kingdom count-the-rings-2 happy-birthday-gandhi-no-image clown-card-orange this-too-shall-pass-meanwhile raise-the-roof water-vodka-2 i-cant-thank-you-enough evil-twin-2