Posts in Hygiene

Sympathy/Empathy Cards

published by Fran Shea

(((flashback)))

My husband was on a business trip, and that meant it was time for one or more of the kids to get the stomach flu. Because we love tradition, the youngest barfed in her own bath water. While I was cleaning that up, and not to be outdone, the middle one inhaled and regurgitated his macaroni & cheese right back on the plate.

The older one slunk away.

While I was cleaning that up, and unbeknownst to me, the cat coughed up a slimy hair-ball. I stepped on it (barefoot).

While I stood on one foot, crying, the dog came over and licked it up.

The Endwalked-a-mile

Behind the Gate AND a New Book Title

published by Fran Shea

Jen’s back!

Thank God.

She said she “missed ZP soooo much!”

ZP missed her too! To show her just how much, this rabbit (mascot) sacrificed and froze himself to the ground right in front of the gate she walks through to enter the ZP Headquarters.dead-rabbit-and-garbageALSO, I wrote/designed a new cover for my book… Kara is busily drawing pictures while I bark directions at her. I’m sure she’s already made a voodoo doll of me.

I don’t blame her a bit.house-trained-cover-revised

Out of the depths I have cried to Thee

published by Fran Shea

Two important things happened this week:

1) It was so cold that I never left the house.weather-grabIT FELT LIKE -49°.

OKAY, cover your ears: THAT’S BULLSHIT.

All I could possibly do is sit in front of the fire with my companion, Tib The Cat.tib-and-fireOh, yeah, and here’s number

2) I GOT A LITERARY AGENT.

You heard me.

The Steinberg Agency — they rep people like Tim Gunn and Cris Carter. NO BIG DEAL.

They want a 40-page picture book for adults…

*I* like pictures.

*I* am an adult.

I can make that book.

Here’s a teaser/the cover OF MY BOOK.how-to-cover-new-names

With An Awl And Some Brandy

published by Fran Shea

I heard a story about a Minnesota fur trader. 

Tromping through the snow in seasonably cold weather, sans Northface winter gear and, more importantly, SANS Smartwool socks — he found his feet to be frozen solid. Frozen like a forgotten chuck roast buried under the pile of pizzas and popsicles.

What did he do?

Simply dragged his body through the snow until warmish accommodations were reached, asked the hardy men in the room for an awl, punctured his feet, and had those same hardy men pour brandy over his numb tootsies.

There. Feet saved.

I didn’t write a card about that. (I’m sure I will.) Here’s something more lighthearted:when-i-grow-up curling-team

A Winter Cocoon

published by Fran Shea

Now that the temperature has dropped to depressing lows, I’ve turned to TLC reruns for comfort. …My Strange Addiction is the best thing on television… Why wouldn’t I gorge myself on other people’s dysfunction?

But enough about women addicted to drinking their own urine. Here’s a card about perspective.feeling-bad

Easily Distracted In Class

published by Fran Shea

I think that box was checked on my elementary school progress reports… But who could be bothered with such details??

Not me. NOT ME. And that’s why I secured a blank progress report, checked the best boxes, and brought it to my parents.

See? I wasn’t that easily distracted.

°°

I am busy taking photographs of the new cardswater-vodka-2but not too busy to document some pretty fascinating activity:

Aren’t you glad you watched that??

I know I’m supposed to be doing something… Oh, that’s right, putting hungry vegetables on a card.eat-your-veggies-2No??

It’ll come to me after I stare out the window and pet that cat.

Bionic Fran Goes To the Post Office

published by Fran Shea

The much-anticipated matchup between Bionic Fran and Wonder Woman is finally here! bionic-woman-vs-wonder-womanTickets are available by our back gate and the fight will be held in the driveway.

Come early and pick an unripened tomato to throw at the loser.

The event takes place as soon as Jen finds her way out of the mountains — I know her pockets were stuffed with breadcrumbs, so I’m sure she’ll be fine.

I’ve been pretty busy while she’s been gone… The intern and I talked a lot, I picked up two dead birds and one dead baby rabbit… I brought orders to the post office… I made this birthday card…count-the-rings-2

Always Winter but never Christmas (or Spring)

published by Fran Shea

The woman gazes through her window. A window covered in dog-drool, a window with a view of only one season: Winter. She stares, slack-jawed, at the slow parade of life.twilight-zone-logo

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area we call the Twilight Zone.

SERIOUSLY?!?letting-go-rose