Posts in Free-Range Chicken

-33° in Brainerd

published by Fran Shea

That’s where I am. Will I ever be able to get back to Minneapolis? Stay tuned.

And, just because I’m a little obsessed with the weather, I gathered some very important figures. – Record low temperatures in The United States of America:

State Temp. Date Station Elevation
Alabama -27 Jan. 30, 1966 New Market 760
Alaska -80 Jan. 23, 1971 Prospect Creek 1,100
Arizona -40 Jan.  7, 1971 Hawley Lake 8,180
Arkansas -29 Feb. 13, 1905 Pond 1,250
California -45 Jan. 20, 1937 Boca 5,532
Colorado -61 Feb.  1, 1985 Maybell 5,920
Connecticut -32 Feb. 16, 1943 Falls Village 585
Delaware -17 Jan. 17, 1893 Millsboro 20
Florida – 2 Feb. 13, 1899 Tallahassee 193
Georgia -17 Jan. 27, 1940 Mauna Kea 13,770
Idaho -60 Jan. 18, 1943 Island Park Dam 6,285
Illinois -36 Jan.  5, 1999 Congerville 722
Indiana -36 Jan. 19, 1994 New Whiteland 785
Iowa -47 Feb.  3, 1996* Elkader 770
Kansas -40 Feb. 13, 1905 Lebanon 1,812
Kentucky -37 Jan. 19, 1994 Shelbyville 730
Louisiana -16 Feb. 13, 1899 Minden 194
Maine -48 Jan. 19, 1925 Van Buren 458
Maryland -40 Jan. 13, 1912 Oakland 2,461
Massachusetts -35 Jan. 12, 1981 Chester 640
Michigan -51 Feb.  9, 1934 Vanderbilt 785
Minnesota -60 Feb.  2, 1996 Tower 1,430
Mississippi -19 Jan. 30, 1966 Corinth 420
Missouri -40 Feb. 13, 1905 Warsaw 700
Montana -70 Jan. 20, 1954 Rogers Pass 5,470
Nebraska -47 Feb. 12, 1899 Camp Clarke 3,700
Nevada -50 Jan.  8, 1937 San Jacinto 5,200
New Hampshire -47 Jan. 29, 1934 Mt. Washington 6,288
New Jersey -34 Jan.  5, 1904 River Vale 70
New Mexico -50 Feb.  1, 1951 Gavilan 7,350
New York -52 Feb. 18, 1979* Old Forge 1,720
North Carolina -34 Jan. 21, 1985 Mt. Mitchell 6,525
North Dakota -60 Feb. 15, 1936 Parshall 1,929
Ohio -39 Feb. 10, 1899 Milligan 800
Oklahoma -27 Jan. 18, 1930 Watts 958
Oregon -54 Feb. 10, 1933* Seneca 4,700
Pennsylvania -42 Jan.  5, 1904 Smethport est. 1,500
Rhode Island -25 Feb.  5, 1996 Greene 425
South Carolina -19 Jan. 21, 1985 Caesars Head 3,100
South Dakota -58 Feb. 17, 1936 McIntosh 2,277
Tennessee -32 Dec. 30, 1917 Mountain City 2,471
Texas -23 Feb.  8, 1933* Seminole 3,275
Utah -69 Feb.  1, 1985 Peter’s Sink 8,092
Vermont -50 Dec. 30, 1933 Bloomfield 915
Virginia -30 Jan. 22, 1985 Mountain Lake 3,870
Washington -48 Dec. 30, 1968 Mazama 2,120
West Virginia -37 Dec. 30, 1917 Lewisburg 2,200
Wisconsin -55 Feb.4,   1996 Couderay 1,300
Wyoming -66 Feb.  9, 1933 Riverside 6,650

AND before we start killing and eating each other, we are entertaining ourselves by throwing boiling water into the cold air.

rob-turns-water-to-steam

Freak Show

published by Fran Shea

There were two parts to the Freak Show – two tents – one contained The Fat Lady and the other was filled with the usual freakish-fare. I didn’t really want to pay to see the Fat Lady so I poked my head under the tent – it seemed silly to pay to see a fat lady but this was before the days of google searches and voyeuristic television masquerading as health and human interest stories. Before the days of shows actually called, World’s Fattest Woman.

So I poked my head under the tent. A pit had been dug in the dirt in the center of the tent – she, all 600 pounds of her, sat in the pit in a teeny weeny bikini. The paying public stared and stared while she thumbed through the pages of a paperback.

The other tent promised a variety of oddities and I handed my tickets to the dusty man guarding the flap-door. In this tent there was a stage and on the stage there was a sign and on the sign were the words, “World’s Fattest Man”

The crowd – and I was in the crowd now – stared at the sign and waited for the man. He hobbled out using two canes – those canes that have the four baby canes on the bottom. He reached the center of the stage and lowered himself into a reinforced chair, spoke to the crowd about his thyroid disorder, and asked if we wanted to see him attach a bucket of bolts to his tongue.

Ugh. I wanted my tickets back.

Why can’t things be the way they’re supposed to be? And why can’t freaks just enjoy their exploitation? If I were a freak (if) I’d love it. I’d use my freakish power for the good of mankind.

I’d love to have one super long arm. A Super Arm. I could take seemingly candid pictures of myself even more easily!fran-working

Do you see that?

It’s like someone else is taking the picture. But what a struggle! 

If I had Super Arm my whole life would change!

fran-super-arm

Is that a fax?

published by Fran Shea

Hot Damn! We finally picked a sales rep! A first-rate group of gals (there is a guy in the group that reps Iowa but he’s on a sort of hiatus – sorry Iowa) that will spread the Zeichen Love across this frigid, northern land. Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Dakota, and South Dakota. I’ve actually never been to North or South Dakota… In fact, I’m not even sure they exist. I’d like some sort of proof. Anyway, our fax machine has been ringing off the hizzle with orders – our biggest so far: Kowalski’s Markets. I love Kowalski’s and I’m not just saying that. My ice cream melts in the cart while I wander around like a free-range chicken. (Before the farmer kills it and Kowalski’s sells it and I eat it. Mmm, delicious.)