Posts in COLD

Gracias…

published by Fran Shea

…El Niño. I know I’m supposed to be cursing Climate Change… I KNOW.

But how can I curse when meteorologists are predicting a warmer-than-usual winter??

I must embrace the phenomenon the way a mother embraces her wayward son.

IN OTHER NEWS, Jen and I chose 12 cards for the next release using darts, a cardboard cutout of Steve Buscemi, and our first-aid kit.

Here’s a teaser:curse this curse.vertAnd because I always plan ahead, here’s a new Father’s Day card:GOLF browner

Vultures and Wood Type and Birthdays

published by Fran Shea

I won’t even speak of the weather BECAUSE IT’S UNSPEAKABLE.

You can’t break me, Weather.

You’ll never break me.

Everyone knows that the only cure for the cold is wood type. And alcohol. western wood type case

Jen and I have been having a debate about the next birthday card. And by debate, I mean she is, like, “I don’t care.” Doesn’t she know the dangers of Not Caring??

ANYWAY, here’s the card. BTW, that’s a vulture, waiting for you to die.

look good for your age.new size

Out Like An Impolite Lamb

published by Fran Shea

Just when I thought it was safe to burn my foot-shaped Smartwool socks, Spring decided to retreat.smartwool standing 2At least I have feet.

Am I right?? Although, I’d be grateful for stump-shaped Smartwool socks.

I WOULD.

Here’s a card:let go of the old bad memoriesOh, and Jen and I chose the cards for The Spring Release!*revised.vert.devoured by wolves*christmas miracle.dog antlers*new.blackmail revenge*dear snow*vert.success failures*vert.like like you*your love.defib.vert*BETTER DAYS AHEAD*LIFE.You better wear a nut cup*getting old*heaven is a castle*heaven is

Same (expletive), Same Day

published by Fran Shea

As I said goodbye to yet another kitten from our cat ranch,all kittens and dinah white chairI thought to myself, “I bet this is exactly how Beyoncé feels when she drops an album.” And then I thought, “My skin is so dry.”

I wish I could travel back in time… back to the 1970’s when there were environmental chambers built into the walls of health club locker rooms… (I think this is a real memory and that I’m not just pasting a false memory on top of a traumatic childhood locker room incident… those topless moms blow-drying their hair… Wait, am I?? Omg… Beep beep boop: Tropical Rainforest?? Yes, please!)

NO MATTER, here’s a new card!NOW the party can start

We want to be more than just friends with: Spruce & Gussy

published by Fran Shea

Spruce & Gussy -> 12 Mount Desert St. Bar Harbor, Maine

ANOTHER profile in that special series dedicated to bringing our readers biased reviews of shops that carry our goods.

Alright, put on your mukluks, shove a wedge of chewing tobacky between your cheek and gum, and head Northeast.
**Weather Update: New England was CRIPPLED by, like, three feet of snow the other day. BUT BAR HARBOR DON’T CARE. They took it like a man. A man who is not wearing his orange jumpsuit.
WHAT?!
When (not IF) I get to Bar Harbor, I will make but one stop: Spruce & Gussy.
Shopping for all of my small-box items will be dreamy…I SEE YOU.spruce and gussy

Look for me, Michelle & Patti.
Look for me and my new friend, Bob Ross.bob ross

Case CLOSED (?)

published by Fran Shea

There were TWO mysteries at Zeichen Press HQ this week. I prayed and prayed to Benedict Cumberbatch,benedict cumberbatchand my prayers were sort of answered, because Jen came to search/tear the house apart.

FIRST, one of the five kittens was missing.Tib and Christmas kittensTib had means AND motive. She was questioned and released.tib mugshotPoor Tib… We accused her of eating her weakest kitten. (True story.)the strong would surviveThe kitten was later found, unharmed.

Sorry Tib.

But what was the second mystery, Fran??

HUSH, it will be explained in my Tell-All book, coming soon!

Winter Intermission

published by Fran Shea

OR to use a term I (maybe) coined:

Wintermission!

I’ve been enjoying hour after hour of On Hold Musickenny gand eating all of the Holiday Cookies.

Oh, AND setting up a GoFundMe for Tib The Cat. (Donate today to be eligible for one free kitten. Please. I beg of you.)fixing tib

AND HERE’S A BREAK-UP CARD. I’m a giver.

toxic-and-spineless-2

Big Dreams

published by Fran Shea

Last night, I dreamt I took a day trip to Manitoba. Just an afternoon of pool-swimming at an area motel. I came home and bragged to everyone, “I went to Manitohhhba today.”manitobaTwo observations:

1) No wall-less public toilet in this dream?? That’s right. Who’s in charge now, Dreams??

2) My dreams have finally taken me to Canada…

AND ANOTHER THING: Winter came completely out of nowhere this year. One week it was 71°, and the next week, I had to break out the Smartwool. “Oh, Minnesota! You are so crazy! Potholes and mosquitoes and icehouses!”

Shut up.she was SO picking truth next time.