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Our New England rep told us to gut a fish and I knew exactly what she was talking about because my childhood memories are peppered with freshly-caught sunnies sliced open by my brother’s buck knife. WAIT… I misheard… she told me to CULL THE DECK. That makes so much more sense in this scenario. I better call a meeting… And throw back the freshly-caught sunnies.

GOOD RIDDANCE ALL YOU BOTTOM-SELLERS. It’s a good thing Millie barked her head off otherwise we wouldn’t know the mailman delivered a special package from Sellers Publishing! All the shops in the country need to spread this message during the holiday season. 

Oh, before we gutted the fish or culled the deck or whatever, a baby came over and sat on my dresser. She seemed nervous. Don’t be nervous, baby, a dresser is the best place to sit if the mantel is too far away.

We sat on the rug every day while Ms. Stringer read a story to our second grade class — I felt jealous of the girls that planted themselves behind other girls so they could “play” with their hair. Why don’t they ever play with my hair? Sigh… Oh, well… Hey, WAIT!! Someone IS playing with my hair today!! Okay… Don’t move or they might stop… Just listen to the story… This feels pretty nice!… Okay, story is over… Turn around and see which girl it was… ACT NATURAL… Waaaait, that is NOT a girl!!! That’s an icky boy!!! I casually walked back to my desk and felt my hair… Maybe he DID braid it?? It does feel kinda funny… Um, no. NOT braids. HE TIED IT IN KNOTS. KNOTS. 

I don’t know why that memory pulled this Mother’s Day card out of me. PULLED IT OUT OF ME JUST LIKE I PULLED THE KNOTTED HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD AND SECRETLY SHOVED IT IN MY DESK.

#oldestintern handed me a stack of vintage magazines so I could learn about wayward teens and lusty/adulterous wives!

She’s a bad influence. Oh, AND I think she wanted me to scan some of the graphics for Zeichen Press cards.  

…Back to my reading. I mean, scanning.

Do you diffuse internal drama, anticipate stress, and manage your primitive mind?? I do! I hate to brag (do I??) but I’m kind of a Zen-Master and when something unplanned happens, I just meditate! It’s so easy!

Leaving the Cape was a cinch this year because a dozen turkeys high-fived us on our way out

and a Random Baby sent me well-wishes telepathically. Or he might have been trying to hypnotize me – nice try, Harold! (If that is your real name.)

Sunset on the Cape SANS Jen… WISH YOU WERE HERE!But she’s probably pulling orders and thinking of me just like Fievel in American Tail.

Oh, but I DID wipe my tears long enough to make her a birthday card!

Silly business men! Just ask your secretary to figure out that stuff!

Maybe because I haven’t showered in so long (STAY BACK, BOYS) or maybe because… OMG… I HAVE TO WRITE A BLOG POST QUICK-LIKE.

I’ve been sorting through old newspapers (provided by the Intern) and scanning graphics that SPEAK TO ME.

BEHOLD.

Hide-n-seek is the best game! One time I hid in my bedroom closet for hours – my siblings said they tried super hard to find me and finally started watching tv hoping I’d come out, and of course didn’t forget about me. 

Tib also loves to play hide-n-seek! She puts her head down and counts (in her head) while I hide. I ALWAYS WIN! See?? I’m really good. Between games, I make cards for RSVP (because they pay us The Big Bucks to license the Art) and squeeze in designing a few cards for our own line, THAT DEFY ANY CATEGORY.

Whenever Jen goes out of town, Millie prays

that I can hold the Zeichen Press fort down… Or maybe she’s praying for a bath? Or better kibble??  WE’LL NEVER KNOW. Between weighing packages – packaged by the Intern,

and photographing old cards reprinted with poppin’ fresh ink,

I scour antique newspapers for graphics drawn by long-dead art directors

so I can REPURPOSE them into greeting cards that will be (fingers crossed!) added to the line.

(SAFE TRAVELS, JEN/DON’T GET EATEN BY A SHARK.)

There were no coats to push aside, no snow, no Mr. Tumnus, no White Witch… Just a regular bedroom door, a heated terrazzo floor, twin sinks, and His and Hers glass cups ready for dentures. My Grandparent’s bedroom was entered by Invitation Only and was filled with so many curiosities… I remember asking my Grandma if she loved raspberries as much as I did and she told me she couldn’t eat them because the tiny seeds got stuck in her dentures… I felt like that was the saddest thing I had ever heard and that she was truly a martyr.

Here she is with all her own teeth:

It’s a good thing my Grandpa had his pens with him because you just never know.

The old newspapers the Intern gave me are a treasure-trove of graphics

and full of hard-hitting local stories…

Whaaat?? Mr. Therien never used his sick leave??

The most important part of getting ready for the Cape is downloading important apps. The Sharktivity app is my latest obsession because tide charts are boring and knowledge of shark activity is a guaranteed conversation kickoff!

Try it yourself:

You: Water is closed due to blood in the water north of the life guarded beach…

Them: Whaaat, closed due to blood in the water??!! Well, that’s crazy!! Do you think it’s seal blood or human?? 

Who could resist that conversation?! Oh, and hopefully the Lovebirds coming with me don’t have their limbs ripped off (by a shark) before they get married. STAY TUNED.